Let It Be

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for ovulation. I have taken my Clomid and tomorrow I go in to see what it's all about. I think my biggest fears are that it won't work or that my body already ovulated and my husband wasn't home yet. He gets home tomorrow and I tried to time everything perfectly. 

This is only my first round of the Clomid. The trouble with it not working is that in two weeks my husband leaves again for two weeks and I'm not sure when we would get to have another cycle. 

What I need to do is just let it be... Like the Beatles say. Relax and let things happen on their own time and not be impatient. Not let the happiness of others get me down, and not let thoughts of my own bodies failures get in my way. 

I have never been the girl that's dreams of a family or can't wait to be a mom. I work with kids everyday and I know what a joy they are but the thought of parenthood absolutely terrifies me. I'm also afraid that if I don't do it now then I never will and I will regret it. I only want one. One little munchkin that I can teach how to bake and read beautiful books to at night. One little piece of me and my husband to carry on values and teachings and family stories. If it doesn't happen then I won't have shattered dreams but, just more wonderings and questions of what could have been. 

It makes me feel better to see others with these struggles. I am so scared and I think it's even more scary that I don't know what to expect. I don't know how fertility treatments work. All my friends have been blessed to be el naturals. My best friend got pregnant the first time she tried and sent me the ultrasound picture the day I was prescribed my Clomid. It was almost like a punch in the stomach. I just want to be the one guessing boy or girl, shopping etsy for cute baby things instead of dog collars, and feeling flutters in my belly.

I hope that things work in our favor tomorrow. For now, I will drink some tea, read my book, relax, and.... Let it be. 

All that fertility jazz

I am on day 3 of the clomid. I can tell you that it makes me a little dizzy and that it makes my eyesight a little blurry (or maybe thats because I have been looking at snow all day for 3 days!). 

I think my main concern is that it won't work this time. My husband is in the Navy and is gone a lot. We are timing this one for the day he returns but, in two weeks he leaves again and I am scared that we will miss our 2nd chance and have to wait longer. It is very frustrating knowing that I should have gone to the doctor sooner but, I didn't know that I needed to go. I have to keep telling myself that what is meant to be will be and I can't change it. 

I have my ultrasound scheduled for February 5. They will see if I ovulated and if I did not then they will give me a shot and make me ovulate, or so my paper that they gave me says. I am nervous that none of it will work. Maybe I am more infertile than what I think I am. 

Social media has shown me it's ugly side on this matter and it didn't even mean to. I think I know 110 recently impregnated couples and my newsfeed is flooded with how the baby moved, ultrasound pictures, symptoms of pregnancy, how to name the baby...blah, blah, blah. I will not be that person if I am ever able to get pregnant. I have learned my lesson on spreading the love when not everyone might not have that love to spread. I know that they do not mean to hurt me and that they are excited but I wonder, how many people are seeing those posts and while they are happy for them, die just a little inside everytime they read it. I have even hidden two people from my newsfeed, I just couldn't take them anymore. I know, I'm being bitter, I don't want to be bitter, it's just hard. 

Here's to hoping that it takes this time. Hoping.