A sense of normalcy

Today is CD1 and this was my first non-medicated, ovulatory, cycle. It was almost beautiful except those high temps almost gave me hope I was pregnant! I guess that's what happens when you never have a normal cycle without the use of medication. 

So where do we go from here? 

I started Metformin yesterday. So far the only problem I had was excessive bloating after eating some ice cream. I have been really good about eating healthy but yesterday I made a "cheat day" just to see how the metformin would affect my body in different scenarios to see if I needed to avoid any foods. I had dairy and greasy foods and all ended up okay. I hope today is just as successful while I'm back on my eating healthy ways. I had heard so many side effect horror stories that I was scared but, all was good! 

My HSG is scheduled for next Wednesday with results being read the following Monday. My husband will be out to sea for two weeks at the end of the month so even if I do ovulate he will miss it. (Thanks US Navy!) This will be another non-medicated cycle. I am going to let the metformin get in my system and next cycle I will start femara. Hopefully my HSG comes back okay! I will also keep temp charting just to keep record and hopefully have another "normal" cycle so I don't have to take provera to jump start AF. 

This will be our beginning journey with a fertility specialist instead of my OBGYN. I hope it works this time! 

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn- Book Review

After reading "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn I was sucked into her style of writing. I've never been the murder mystery type of person but, her novels are so well written and suspenseful that I just can't help myself from reading more! 

While "Gone Girl" had its twist in the middle, this book waits until the very end for its plot changing twist. I almost liked that better because I knew there was a great twist coming but, I just couldn't figure out when. 

Yet again, with this novel, Flynn wonderfully tells a story through the main characters point of view. It really makes the reader try to peice together what happened while telling several stories at once. 

Dark Places is a story of Libby Day who is trying to get to the bottom of the murder of her mother and sisters when she was young. The character of Libby was generally a little rough at first but, I eventually grew to like her and see she was a survivor above everything. Libby reaches out to her brother Ben after a murders enthusiast group convinces her that he is not the killer and is in jail for no reason. I was not a fan of his character throughout the novel although, I don't feel as if Flynn wanted him to be a character the reader "likes" so to speak. 

As with both of Flynn's books that I have read, I always feel like there could be as sequel. The story could continue into a second book with great ease. I'm not sure if that's intentional but it drives me crazy in a good way! It's one of the things that makes the book great! 

I don't want to get into the plot too deep but, I loved how all the pieces came together for a stunning plot twist at the end. While I had my theories about the ending, none of them were even close to right! 

I would definitely recommend this book for anyone looking to pick up a good read! 

Eating Better- Changing to an Organic Lifestyle!

I wasn't looking for a new "diet fad" or "quick" way to lose weight. I have been overweight my entire life and in knew at 30 with hypothyroidism and PCOS my dreams of being "skinny" were long gone. I also knew that I needed a healthy way of living as my body was not going to cooperate with me shoving pizza and cupcakes in my mouth. 

After some research, I realized how many hormones and "fake" ingredients were put into foods. I started reading labels of things I was eating and I didn't like what I saw. I saw dyes, I saw things I couldn't even pronounce, I saw things I had never even heard of! I decided that I would try to eat a better and organic lifestyle and cut those "fake" ingredients from my diet. It has actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be! 

I decided to start small, with fruit. While not all fruit that I buy is organic, most of it is. Even when it isn't organic, I know it's better for me than say... Doritos. I live in a farming community who has a farmers market every Saturday so most weeks I am able to buy local fruits and vegetables! If not, I usually hit up the local farm stands and they can tell me where it came from. There is also a locally owned organic store in which I can buy some fruits from. 

My next organic action... SWEETS! A girl has to have her chocolate right?! 

I found these and fell in LOVE! They are completely organic and I have found them in Target and Farm Fresh. I can't even eat a Reese's anymore, these are ten times better! Newman's Own also makes a very good dark chocolate peanut butter cup. 

I knew I couldn't go without sweets so, I limit my intake of these but, they are great to fix that sweet tooth! 

My next step with an organic diet was "quick" meals. I'm not a cooker. I'm just not. I try to be, I really do but, it's just not my thing. That's when I found Evol. 

I have found these at Target and Farm Fresh. While they are not completely organic they do use wholesome ingredients and when I read the list I know what the items are. They are delicious and filling! 

My last change is meats. Grass fed, hormone free, meats. These seem to be a little harder to find. Target carries some but it is normally really picked over here! I have been eating more fresh seafood (I live on the coast) this summer but when fall hits I'm really going to have to pay more attention to my meats. 

I have found Applegate meats, which I LOVE! 

I have found these at Target! 

Milk was also an easy change, found at most grocery stores. 

While I have cheated a few times (thanks Chick-Fil-A) I have loved my switch! I feel better and I think it has helped my health! This is month two of a gradual change so, hopefully I will see more results as I continue this lifestyle change! 

A Nice Little Meeting

Today was my first appointment with the fertility specialist. I knew after the 3 rounds of Clomid (50mg) with the trigger shots and ultrasounds didn't work then we were going to have to do something else. 

So, for starters she took my history.  I have hypothyroidism as well as PCOS. It took my mother 5 years to concieve me and she was never able to have children after me. 

Next, we discussed medication. She wants me to start taking Metformin now and then add the Femera at the right time. (I'm on day 18 of my current cycle). If on cycle day 30 AF has not shown and my pregnancy test is negative then she would like me to take Provera to bring on my next cycle. On day 3 of my next cycle I will need bloodwork and then on day 5 she will perform an HSG in order to make sure my tubes are open. My husband will also need a semen analysis although he has two kids from a previous relationship so, she doesn't think he will be the problem. 

She also looked at my bbt chart I have been keeping up with this cycle and said she thinks I may have ovulated on my own and that it looked really good. So, that could be good news although I am certainly not getting any hopes up there! 

The whole visit made me feel better. She seems to think that I'm not a totally severe case, not yet anyways. Tomorrow marks one year of ttc and I feel like we are finally getting something done. I'm ready for the next cycle to start so we can get started! (Never thought I'd say that!) 

Negative

That's how I felt after my last pregnancy test... Negative. I knew in my heart that it had not worked but, there is always that little piece of hope you hold on to.

I talked to my OBGYN today and we are going to try a 3rd Clomid cycle right away. I will take the pills on days  3-7 with an ultrasound on CD11. She wants my body to ovulate sooner in my cycle than day 15-17. This 3rd time will be tricky as my husband goes out to sea on CD14 but she says we can get things done before he leaves. I hope we do not waste this cycle! I really wanted to get two cycles back to back though because we have yet to be able to do that due to his schedule.

I have started my healthy eating... Again. This afternoon the dog and I took a walk. If we do not concieve this cycle I am going to take the summer off and focus on getting my health better. My husband goes on shore duty in August and will be home more often so maybe that will also help!

All will work out. I know it will!

Why don't want my TWW to be over

Tomorrow is the day, the day the dreaded two week wait is finally over. But why would I not want it to be over? I should be thrilled to finally find out if Clomid cycle number 2 worked but, I'm not. 

During the two week wait, you unintentionally build yourself up. You think about names and think about events that might come up if you're pregnant, you think about announcing it and maybe even nursery colors. All these build in your head. Then, you take that test and see it... BFN.  All those dreams come crashing down and the sadness takes over. I'm scared that's going to happen to me... Again. 

I'm tired of that being me. I'm tired of the one line pregnancy tests and the "not pregnant" digital tests. I have taken so many of those tests over the past year. The worst ones, I will admit, were when I was unaware of the PCOS and I was having 50 day cycles and testing every other day. 

I have tried to remain positive during this two week wait. I've not over analyzed any symptoms and I've tried to post a positive quote every day. I've been trying not to get my hopes up for tomorrow and be ready for the one line, the one pink line I have seen so many times before. With all of that, there is still this little piece of me that's says "this is the cycle! This is it!" 

Fingers crossed for the morning! I hope my grandmother is watching over me and telling me that this is the time. 

Step Away From the Google

Google. 

Every woman who is trying to concieve's dream. Right? 

You can Google how you are supposed to feel 2DPO. Maybe the fact that I craved bananas yesterday was a sign? How early can this pregnancy test be positive? What is the success rate for the 3rd round of Clomid? 

I am guilty of this as well but ladies, we must stop this madness! The fact here is that we are all different and what will work or be signs for one will not work or be signs for another. In reality, most people who are pregnant do not even know they are pregnant that early. 

Yesterday I received my HCG trigger shot after my second round of Clomid and I have sworn off the Google. I will not Google all of my symptoms. I have not even bought pregnancy tests yet. I'm just going to let it be and do what I am supposed to and live my life for the next two weeks. 

My first round of Clomid I obsessed over those symptoms. I googled everything. I felt tired, I googled. Smells made me sick, I googled. I felt funny, I googled. I wasn't pregnant. Googling only gave my higher hopes and made the let down feel even stronger. In reality, most if it was probably the HCG shot. 

While this round seemed more promising, I am trying not to get my hopes up. That negative test time and time again has worn me down. Living life and going on about my days will hopefully make the two week wait a little less agonizing. Maybe by letting time pass as naturally as possible, the negative I might see at the end of the journey will be a tiny less painful. 

Hopefully I can find a positive quote to sum up my feelings every day instead of google. :)