Today starts my journey with battling infertility. I took my first Provera pill today. I have not had a period since November and on a recent OBGYN appointment it was realized that I have PCOS. Since I have been on birth control since I was 17 it had not been realized sooner. It is scary to think that these medicines might not work. I take the Provera for 5 days in order to induce a period after which I will take Clomid for 5 days in order to induce ovulation. My fertility should align with the same day my husband comes home from being underway for two weeks. I am so worried that it won't work. That it won't go the way we want and this cycle will be wasted.
It is heartwrenching to see so many people that I know sharing baby bump pictures, discussing symptoms, guessing at the gender while I am just sitting here scared and barren. For so long I didn't want children, I wasn't ready and I took the precautions to make sure that I waited until the right time. Now, I'm just the one looking through the window of the Babies-r-us wishing it was me trying to figure out which stroller I want or how I want to decorate the baby room. I am at the age of the baby. The age where everyone is freshly married and babies come next. We are all in our lower 30s and know that that clock is ticking. My clock is ticking but you can only see the hands move, you can't hear the sound.
My tactic for keeping a bay the ones who always ask when the baby is coming is to just say I'm not ready and that I'm not sure I want any. It is better than the sympathy face or the "oh wow" face that I get if I tell people we are trying, and have been trying. It's easier to brush off the feelings than to face them and share them. One thing I know I won't do when I'm pregnant, talk about how pregnant I am. There are so many silent ones like me that die a little every time they see a ultrasound picture on Facebook or a see a mother-to-be rubbing her belly. I know that feeling and I do not wish to bestow it upon someone else. I know that people do not mean to rub it in someone's face; they are happy and I am truly happy for them, it's just so hard to not know if that will ever be you. What if it doesn't work? What if all these treatments don't work and I am forever bound to the Facebook ultrasound depression? Hopefully I will never have to answer those questions.
I hope the pill I took tonight works its magic and allows me to have that feeling. I'm just not so sure that it will.
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