Sunday Ramblings

My weekend has been anything but exciting, this Navy wife is ready for her husband to be HOME! 

Lets start with Saturday. I attempted to go to our local Wal-Mart (only because its 45 min to the closest Target) which was a total hot mess. Let me remind myself never to make that adventure after a huge snow on the first of the month again. 

In good news when I got home my new neck pillow was waiting for me! It is Luna from Sailor Moon and I can not be more excited about that! 

It has worked wonders on my neck while I read and I am so excited about it I could burst! Where do you get one of these delightful neck pillows? I got it off Etsy at a place called Comfort By Felicia Rose. She has all sorts of neck pillows that she hand makes. I have to say the quality is fantastic. She also has a Facebook page which you can find here. 

Saturday night I enjoyed my neck pillow as I read some more in my book Allegiant which is the 3rd book in the Divergent series. I have to say, I already like it much better than the second but not as good as the first. I can't wait to write a review on that one! I also watched Gone With The Wind since it was on TV. One of my absolute favorite movies! I always wonder what it would be like to live in those big beautiful houses and wear those huge dresses. Things seemed so simple then although I'm sure they didn't think things were simple just like we don't always think things are simple. 

Today I am watching a The Walking Dead marathon on AMC. It is one of my favorite shows and even though I have watched every episode I watch it again. I can wait for it to return on February 9!  I think I have a thing for stories that involve an alternate world in which we live. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading so much. I intend to read The Walking Dead comics after the show runs its course. Reading them beforehand might spoil what's going to happen. 

Today is also the last day of my Clomid. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure the baby making process is on course. Lets hope it is and that I'm not setting myself up for heartbreak. 

Despite missing my husband so much when he is gone, I never let it get me down. I wish he was here to make fun of me for watching gone with the wind and using a neck pillow but, I make the best of it while he is gone. Luckily, this is just an underway and he will be home soon! (Only to leave again in a few weeks)

We now have a Facebook page that you can access here and an Instagram account under the name "lifeonthebooks"

The Fertility Dance

Today starts my journey with battling infertility. I took my first Provera pill today. I have not had a period since November and on a recent OBGYN appointment it was realized that I have PCOS. Since I have been on birth control since I was 17 it had not been realized sooner. It is scary to think that these medicines might not work. I take the Provera for 5 days in order to induce a period after which I will take Clomid for 5 days in order to induce ovulation. My fertility should align with the same day my husband comes home from being underway for two weeks. I am so worried that it won't work. That it won't go the way we want and this cycle will be wasted. 

It is heartwrenching to see so many people that I know sharing baby bump pictures, discussing symptoms, guessing at the gender while I am just sitting here scared and barren. For so long I didn't want children, I wasn't ready and I took the precautions to make sure that I waited until the right time. Now, I'm just the one looking through the window of the Babies-r-us wishing it was me trying to figure out which stroller I want or how I want to decorate the baby room. I am at the age of the baby. The age where everyone is freshly married and babies come next. We are all in our lower 30s and know that that clock is ticking. My clock is ticking but you can only see the hands move, you can't hear the sound. 

My tactic for keeping a bay the ones who always ask when the baby is coming is to just say I'm not ready and that I'm not sure I want any. It is better than the sympathy face or the "oh wow" face that I get if I tell people we are trying, and have been trying. It's easier to brush off the feelings than to face them and share them. One thing I know I won't do when I'm pregnant, talk about how pregnant I am. There are so many silent ones like me that die a little every time they see a ultrasound picture on Facebook or a see a mother-to-be rubbing her belly. I know that feeling and I do not wish to bestow it upon someone else. I know that people do not mean to rub it in someone's face; they are happy and I am truly happy for them, it's just so hard to not know if that will ever be you. What if it doesn't work? What if all these treatments don't work and I am forever bound to the Facebook ultrasound depression? Hopefully I will never have to answer those questions. 

I hope the pill I took tonight works its magic and allows me to have that feeling. I'm just not so sure that it will.