44 days and counting

I am currently on day 44 of my cycle. Yes, you read that right, day 44. I took my 10 days of provera and got nothing. My OBGYN says that she thinks that we tried to control it too much and to give it two weeks, that was a week and a half ago. If I don't have it by Thursday then I am to call her and I have no idea what she will say. 

I think things would have gone a little more smoothly for us had it not been for the military. The reason I couldn't just take our second round of clomid after AF last time was because my husband was leaving for 2 weeks and he would be gone days 10-20 of my cycle, obviously missing ovulation time. My OBGYN tried to use the provera to time AF for when he would be home but, that has obviously been a total fail. He is gone again right not but will be home again next week and will stay until June so, hopefully we can have a try at a second clomid round. 

Although it feels like forever, I have to keep reminding myself that we have really only had one shot at it although we have been trying to conceive for 9 months now. Due to the PCOS I think that our only real chance is the months that I take the clomid. After I realized how late I was in my cycle I have been taking tests every few days just to make sure that we haven't conceived naturally (ha!). That has obviously led to several BFN and more heartbreak, although I knew that they wouldn't be positive I think somewhere deep down inside I hoped that they would be. 

I have to say that this journey has been eye opening. I know that to truly understand this journey, you have to be going through it. There is no hope for anyone else to understand. It has put a wall between me and one of my best friends. She got pregnant on the first try when they weren't even really sure about trying. I started avoiding her, I blocked her from my newsfeed on facebook, and just tried not to say anything because anytime she spoke to me, it would be about SOMETHING baby or related to kids. I thought the best thing would be to avoid her. She finally asked if I was mad at her and I explained to her that I don't mind talking to her and I understand that babies are going to come up but, we have to talk about something else. So then she told me I should be happier, that I should just be patient our time will come, and then proceeded to ask me about my husbands children from a previous relationship. I couldn't even answer her. It is obvious the understanding isn't there and that I should just avoid that at all costs in order to save myself emotions. People can not understand how heartbreaking this journey is. I think what makes it the most heartbreaking is that you simply can not control it. It is a journey that for the most part is out of your hands making it very frustrating. 

I hope that a light starts shining for us soon. My emotions are quite exhausted!