44 days and counting

I am currently on day 44 of my cycle. Yes, you read that right, day 44. I took my 10 days of provera and got nothing. My OBGYN says that she thinks that we tried to control it too much and to give it two weeks, that was a week and a half ago. If I don't have it by Thursday then I am to call her and I have no idea what she will say. 

I think things would have gone a little more smoothly for us had it not been for the military. The reason I couldn't just take our second round of clomid after AF last time was because my husband was leaving for 2 weeks and he would be gone days 10-20 of my cycle, obviously missing ovulation time. My OBGYN tried to use the provera to time AF for when he would be home but, that has obviously been a total fail. He is gone again right not but will be home again next week and will stay until June so, hopefully we can have a try at a second clomid round. 

Although it feels like forever, I have to keep reminding myself that we have really only had one shot at it although we have been trying to conceive for 9 months now. Due to the PCOS I think that our only real chance is the months that I take the clomid. After I realized how late I was in my cycle I have been taking tests every few days just to make sure that we haven't conceived naturally (ha!). That has obviously led to several BFN and more heartbreak, although I knew that they wouldn't be positive I think somewhere deep down inside I hoped that they would be. 

I have to say that this journey has been eye opening. I know that to truly understand this journey, you have to be going through it. There is no hope for anyone else to understand. It has put a wall between me and one of my best friends. She got pregnant on the first try when they weren't even really sure about trying. I started avoiding her, I blocked her from my newsfeed on facebook, and just tried not to say anything because anytime she spoke to me, it would be about SOMETHING baby or related to kids. I thought the best thing would be to avoid her. She finally asked if I was mad at her and I explained to her that I don't mind talking to her and I understand that babies are going to come up but, we have to talk about something else. So then she told me I should be happier, that I should just be patient our time will come, and then proceeded to ask me about my husbands children from a previous relationship. I couldn't even answer her. It is obvious the understanding isn't there and that I should just avoid that at all costs in order to save myself emotions. People can not understand how heartbreaking this journey is. I think what makes it the most heartbreaking is that you simply can not control it. It is a journey that for the most part is out of your hands making it very frustrating. 

I hope that a light starts shining for us soon. My emotions are quite exhausted! 

Moving on- Picking Yourself Up After a Negative Test

You wait so long for the result. First the 2 weeks of agonizing over googled symptoms. Writing down everything that you have possibly felt that day in order to compare it to other people who ended up being pregnant. You took nap this afternoon, is that fatigue? The cat jumped on your boob and it hurt, oh! is that sore boobs?! Better write that down. A day or so before you make sure you are ready, you go to the drug store and spend the money on the GOOD home pregnancy test (hpt) because you don't want to miss anything. 

Then, the day comes. You have it ready the night before so as you stumble to the bathroom in the morning you remember your mission....to pee on the stick. (Like you could forget) Then you wait. 

Oh look! One line! Come on second line... COME ON! 

Then.... it never comes. You hold it up to the light thinking maybe it's light. You look at it from every angle. You wait way past the 3 minute mark and look at it again. No. Line. 

All the waiting, the wishing, the googling... it's all over. Another failed cycle. Another disappointment. Another one liner. 

So, how do you move on from that? At this point it's almost easy to think that you want to give up. You are so tired of it all. The constant disappointment. The waiting. The continuous joy of pregnant people that aren't you. The waiting. The pills and shots. The waiting. When is it going to be my turn? 

I have had my share of negative tests. This morning's test was, I think, the most disappointing. It was our first round with the clomid and hcg trigger shot after trying on our own for 7 months. I just knew this was going to be it. It was not. 

How do you turn yourself around from this moment? How do you pick yourself up from yet another negative test. 

My first suggestion is to cry. That's right, I said it, cry. You know you want to, just go ahead and do it. Let the disappointment surround you and cry it out. It may be a small cry or big, sopping cry but, either way, let it out. 

Next, throw the test away. Get the anger out. Slam it in the trash can if you have to. Don't leave it sitting on the counter hoping it will change. Don't keep going back to it. It's negative, it's the past, throw it away! 

Then, I say do something simple that makes you happy. This morning, I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee and finally took some GOOD cold medicine to kick this illness I have. I had avoided both in hopes of pregnancy but, that was out the window so, coffee and cold medicine it was. Anything simple that makes you happy. 

After your simple happiness, go about your day. Go to work. Go to Target. Crochet an afghan. Whatever you were going to do that day, do it, and do it with a SMILE! No one wants to be around negative nancy and you have already cried it out so, go be happy. 

Sometime during your day, when you are ready, call your doctor. You are going to have to say the words out loud, "My test was negative" and that might be hard but, you can do it. Formulate your next plan of action because, you are not going to give up. My plan may include another round of provera since I have yet to get good ol' Aunt Flow (AF). We will also time the clomid right again since the Navy is stealing my husband for two weeks. 

Before you go to bed, do something pregnant people can't do. Have a glass of wine or a beer or something with some caffeine in it. Just to say, "HA! I can do something you can't do!" Silently, to yourself. Or put it on your facebook status if you want, especially since the pregnant people share all the things they can't do on theirs. 

Most importantly, don't give up hope. No, this is not your time. You can and you will do this. It may take months, it may take years but, YOU CAN do this. Show your body who is boss and with a little medical help make it happen. 

For me, I'm going to see if AF shows up on it's own. If it doesn't by Tuesday, I will take provera to start it. I also have to go in to the doctor next week to discuss my next clomid round. March is the month of my late grandmother's birthday. After my negative test this morning I went to let the dog out and saw four cardinals in my yard, a bird she loved very dearly. I know she was letting me know that it would be okay and that she was looking out for me. 

My time will come, your time will come, and I pray that one day there will be cures for woman who must endure infertility.