Why don't want my TWW to be over

Tomorrow is the day, the day the dreaded two week wait is finally over. But why would I not want it to be over? I should be thrilled to finally find out if Clomid cycle number 2 worked but, I'm not. 

During the two week wait, you unintentionally build yourself up. You think about names and think about events that might come up if you're pregnant, you think about announcing it and maybe even nursery colors. All these build in your head. Then, you take that test and see it... BFN.  All those dreams come crashing down and the sadness takes over. I'm scared that's going to happen to me... Again. 

I'm tired of that being me. I'm tired of the one line pregnancy tests and the "not pregnant" digital tests. I have taken so many of those tests over the past year. The worst ones, I will admit, were when I was unaware of the PCOS and I was having 50 day cycles and testing every other day. 

I have tried to remain positive during this two week wait. I've not over analyzed any symptoms and I've tried to post a positive quote every day. I've been trying not to get my hopes up for tomorrow and be ready for the one line, the one pink line I have seen so many times before. With all of that, there is still this little piece of me that's says "this is the cycle! This is it!" 

Fingers crossed for the morning! I hope my grandmother is watching over me and telling me that this is the time. 

Step Away From the Google

Google. 

Every woman who is trying to concieve's dream. Right? 

You can Google how you are supposed to feel 2DPO. Maybe the fact that I craved bananas yesterday was a sign? How early can this pregnancy test be positive? What is the success rate for the 3rd round of Clomid? 

I am guilty of this as well but ladies, we must stop this madness! The fact here is that we are all different and what will work or be signs for one will not work or be signs for another. In reality, most people who are pregnant do not even know they are pregnant that early. 

Yesterday I received my HCG trigger shot after my second round of Clomid and I have sworn off the Google. I will not Google all of my symptoms. I have not even bought pregnancy tests yet. I'm just going to let it be and do what I am supposed to and live my life for the next two weeks. 

My first round of Clomid I obsessed over those symptoms. I googled everything. I felt tired, I googled. Smells made me sick, I googled. I felt funny, I googled. I wasn't pregnant. Googling only gave my higher hopes and made the let down feel even stronger. In reality, most if it was probably the HCG shot. 

While this round seemed more promising, I am trying not to get my hopes up. That negative test time and time again has worn me down. Living life and going on about my days will hopefully make the two week wait a little less agonizing. Maybe by letting time pass as naturally as possible, the negative I might see at the end of the journey will be a tiny less painful. 

Hopefully I can find a positive quote to sum up my feelings every day instead of google. :) 

Orange is the New Black- Book Review

When I first picked this book up, I did it because the show was so popular. Everyone kept saying how great the show was. Well, I figured if the show was that good, then the book must be better. I can't tell you about the show because I haven't watched it yet but, I can tell you that the book is a real eye opener. 

When the book first starts she briefly discusses the history that led her to prison. I felt like she kind of downplayed her part in the drug and money exchange. She made herself seem a little more innocent than what I think that she probably was. Of course, she is writing the book and might have been looking for some sympathy factor with the fact that she did time for a 10 year old sentence. It kind of set the tone that she didn't belong with your typical "prison type" woman. 

When she finally gets to the woman's correctional institute in Danbury, CT she finds herself surrounded with kind souls, this is where things got to be interesting for me. I didn't know what exactly to expect when I picked the book up but, I thought I would find more fighting and heinous people. I did not find that at all. She writes about the kindness that is bestowed on her since she obviously was a newbie who didn't really know what to do. I expected people to make fun of her and maybe even try to fight her; this was not the case. 

Piper Kerman shows the American public the many faces of people who are in prison. While she was in a minimum security prison and therefore divided from those who might have been incarcerated for more violent crimes, she shows that each person is in there for simply making a mistake. I loved how she showed the good side of even the people that she didn't care for. How they somehow helped her when she least expected it or nicely asked her for help and admitted their ignorance of a subject. She shows how prison tears apart mothers from their children and husbands from their wives. Everyone has someone that loves them and when they are in prison they are torn apart for an extended period of time. 

I loved how expressed that most of her time was made easier due to the overwhelming support of people around her and that most in the prison system do not have a support system, which is part of the reason they landed there in the first place. Her fiance was a wonderful support as well as friends who were constantly sending things. I know there are programs for sending books to prisoners and this made me want to think about signing up for that program to send some books! 

One thing that I took from the book is how our prison system needs to be re-examined. We pay almost 30,000 a year for one female prisoner in the system (Source: Orange is the New Black by Piper Kerman).  I think that there might be better ways to spend our tax dollars for criminals with smaller crimes. Maybe instead of a year 6 months would be enough to think about what you had done, or instead of a minimum six month sentence, 1 month would be okay. From what she described, I think one month of those living conditions would be enough for those who learned their lesson. For repeat offenders, obviously more time would need to be sought after. 

The book teaches patience, kindness, friendship, and the "things can always be worse" lesson. It is a very eye opening account of the American prison system. I enjoyed it and I look forward to seeing what the show has to offer! 

Healthy eating and all that jazz

I'm not the worst eater... but I'm not the best either. I eat fast food, I love cheesecake, and sweet tea is my drink of choice. I also eat a ton of pineapple, bananas, and drink water throughout the day. I admit that I need to eat better but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I can go without certain things. I feel like healthy eating is a lifestyle change and that cutting out things that I love is just going to make it harder and make me give up. So, I have pinterested (is that a word?) and found something that I can eat. I did not count the calories and I didn't follow a diet plan, I just picked out some healthy stuff that I like and I'm going with it. I do like the idea of eating more organically so, I have tried to add as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I can. 

Here is my meal plan through Thursday. Friday is my cheat day since we order out at work for lunch and my husband normally grills something lovely on the grill. Saturday I will make a new plan and go shopping. 

Monday

Breakfast: Cereal (With 1% milk) **Side note: this is because I have not gone to the store yet and this is what I have in the house

Lunch: 1 Can of Pineapple tidbits

              1/2 cup blueberries

               1/2 Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

Dinner: Bagel Pizza (mozzarella cheese, pepperoni, and tomato baked on a bagel)

Snack: Apple

             Almonds

Tuesday

Breakfast: 1/2 Bagel with peanut butter, blueberries, and sliced almonds on top

                    Cut up Strawberries

Lunch: Cucumber Ranch Turkey Wrap

              Peach (sliced)

              Grapes

              1/4 cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Dinner: Italian Pasta (Rotini noodles, tomato, spinach, Italian dressing)

Snack: Banana

Wednesday

Breakfast: 1/2 Bagel with peanut butter and bananas

                    Cut up strawberries

Lunch: Spinach Salad with Tuna (Spinach, tomato, cucumber, Italian Dressing)

              Grapes

               1/4 Cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Dinner: Stuffed Chicken Breast (Stuffed with leftover spinach, mushrooms, mozzarella Cheese) 

Thursday

Breakfast: Cereal with 1% milk

Lunch: Apple Granola Wrap (peanut butter, cut up apple, granola)

             Strawberries

             Blueberries

             1/4 cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Dinner: Baked Potato with leftover Chicken

Friday: Cheat day!

Breakfast: Cereal/Milk

Lunch: BLT with macaroni salad from Deli and Banana Pudding

Dinner: ???? Maybe Steak with mac and cheese

Friday night I will plan the next week and go to the store. Also, I will be drinking water with all of these meals. I also drink fertility tea at night. 

Shopping List: 

Crunchy Peanut Butter (because that's what I like!)

Bagels

Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Sliced Almonds

Pepperoni

Bananas

Spinach

Tuna

Cherry Tomatoes

Cucumbers

Grapes

Mushrooms

Chicken Breasts

Blueberries

Strawberries

Ranch packet

Tortilla Wraps

Peaches

Dark Chocolate Chips

Rotini Pasta

Italian Dressing

Bananas

Apples

Baking Potato

Sour Cream

I will try to take pictures of these so I can post them on instagram! 

I hope some of you will try this with me. When I start my workout plan I will add that in as well! 

44 days and counting

I am currently on day 44 of my cycle. Yes, you read that right, day 44. I took my 10 days of provera and got nothing. My OBGYN says that she thinks that we tried to control it too much and to give it two weeks, that was a week and a half ago. If I don't have it by Thursday then I am to call her and I have no idea what she will say. 

I think things would have gone a little more smoothly for us had it not been for the military. The reason I couldn't just take our second round of clomid after AF last time was because my husband was leaving for 2 weeks and he would be gone days 10-20 of my cycle, obviously missing ovulation time. My OBGYN tried to use the provera to time AF for when he would be home but, that has obviously been a total fail. He is gone again right not but will be home again next week and will stay until June so, hopefully we can have a try at a second clomid round. 

Although it feels like forever, I have to keep reminding myself that we have really only had one shot at it although we have been trying to conceive for 9 months now. Due to the PCOS I think that our only real chance is the months that I take the clomid. After I realized how late I was in my cycle I have been taking tests every few days just to make sure that we haven't conceived naturally (ha!). That has obviously led to several BFN and more heartbreak, although I knew that they wouldn't be positive I think somewhere deep down inside I hoped that they would be. 

I have to say that this journey has been eye opening. I know that to truly understand this journey, you have to be going through it. There is no hope for anyone else to understand. It has put a wall between me and one of my best friends. She got pregnant on the first try when they weren't even really sure about trying. I started avoiding her, I blocked her from my newsfeed on facebook, and just tried not to say anything because anytime she spoke to me, it would be about SOMETHING baby or related to kids. I thought the best thing would be to avoid her. She finally asked if I was mad at her and I explained to her that I don't mind talking to her and I understand that babies are going to come up but, we have to talk about something else. So then she told me I should be happier, that I should just be patient our time will come, and then proceeded to ask me about my husbands children from a previous relationship. I couldn't even answer her. It is obvious the understanding isn't there and that I should just avoid that at all costs in order to save myself emotions. People can not understand how heartbreaking this journey is. I think what makes it the most heartbreaking is that you simply can not control it. It is a journey that for the most part is out of your hands making it very frustrating. 

I hope that a light starts shining for us soon. My emotions are quite exhausted! 

The Book Thief: A Review

"I Have Hated Words and I Have Loved Them and I Hope I Have Made Them Right"

- The Book Thief

First of all, what a stunning and beautifully written novel. It was written a little differently than what I am used to but, it fit the story so well. What a heartfelt and beautiful story to be told. 

When I first heard of The Book Thief and that it took place in Germany during WW2 I knew I had to bump it up on my "To Read" list. I have always been interested in such a sad time in our world's history. I enjoyed Elie Weisel's "Night" and I have read Anne Frank's "Diary of a Young Girl" at least 3 times. I have also seen "Schindler's List" a few times, although long and sad. I think what gets me the most is that, in a sense of time, it is recent history. There are still people living who remember it quite vividly, including my 90 year old Grandfather. 

The book is narrated by Death. Morbid right? Not at all. It makes death seem more peaceful and not alone. I loved that it was narrated by "someone", for lack of a better word, who had the outside set of eyes, who seemed to love this tale just as much as the reader would. I also loved how they told you what was going to happen in the book but then, at the end, it is not what you expected and all the pieces fit together. 

Liesel Meminger is an extraordinary character. She is full of love, hate, confusion, innocence, and memories. She cherishes all of it. She knows the world that she lives in is not a fair one but, that speaking out about it would deem dire consequences for her and her family. I think her innocence saves her on more than one occasion. 

Her friendship with Rudy is one that everyone can relate to. They play nice, they play mean, they get into mischief and they do what they need to do to survive this war torn world that they live in. It made me think of how simple childhood is while at the same time, all the challenges that youth face since they don't always understand why things are the way that they are, especially in war torn Germany. 

Then there is the character of Max, I felt like he really showed what it was like to be Jewish in Germany during World War 2. The secrets, the hiding, the hatred, and the longing for things to be better. I think I liked Leisel's character the best when she was in the company of Max. Her innocence truly shone while in his presence but, he ignited the spark in her that would never be put out. 

The story itself was reminiscent of other WW2 stories that I previously mentioned. You can feel the fear of the world during that time and the sadness that encompassed the people of Europe as war raged on in their backyards. The sacrifices they made and the way they survived. I always feel like the stories are heroic even though they are of ordinary people since it took heroism to survive war torn Europe if you were not a prominent member of the Nazi party.  

I do not wish to share much more with you because I think this is a book that has to be read and appreciated. I think it is a novel that will become a classic and hopefully be read for years and years to come. 

Cleaning OUT!

So as I was browsing through Facebook I saw a link someone had posted to another blog which had a post entitle 40 Bags in 40 Days 2014 Challenge and had a picture of a trash bag. Naturally, as a clutterbug married to a hoarder, this intrigued me. So, I clicked on it to find a wondrous blog about cleaning out over a period of 40 days, kind of like Lent!  

To give a brief overview, you fill a bag a day, no matter the size, with clutter from certain places in your house. You can also choose to donate, sell, etc things that you do not want/need. You can make a list of the places you want to tackle and then take the 40 days to tackle them. I would suggest clicking on the link where she has created printables for you to use and goes into further detail if you are completely interested. 

So, since my husband is gone most of the time because the Navy likes to steal him away from me, I thought this would be a great challenge to spring clean our house. Especially since not only am I not Catholic but, I also do not enjoy giving up chocolate or cookies for Lent. 

So my first project... our "catch all" table, otherwise known as the dining room table (that we obviously never use). It looked like this...

It's okay, I am appalled as well. It's almost embarrassing to put this out there but, such is the challenge. I knew it wouldn't take long for me to get through it, I just had to tackle it. 

20 minutes later it looked like this...

Amazing, there is a table top there! I had to put the box under the table since I had already wheeled the trash can to the end of the driveway. I plan to get a mail holder to hang on the wall this weekend so I can remove the mail from the table. I am also going to mail those books off to my step-children and throw the dogs soccer ball outside when it isn't raining. So, a work in progress obviously but, still looks much better! 

My husband is gone until mid-March and then leaves again at the beginning of April so, I will have plenty of time to de-clutter the house! 

Here are some of my other projects...

Alas, my poor bookshelf. More books than space and in need of organization. This isn't half my books, the others take up a shelf in the extra bedroom plus a few boxes in the closet. No, they will not be going anywhere, just getting organized!

This is the spare room and where my step-children's toys are kept. Since they live far away and we only see them every two months or so, this really needs to be organized. I have a treadmill in that room that I use and several shelves that need organizing as well!

This hateful hall closet. You might think, "This looks great!". Don't be fooled my friends. We never use this closet because those coats are stuffed so tightly that we can't get one out without knocking three more down. Also, the things on those shelves, haven't been touched since we moved in here two years ago, I think I can clear some of that out! 

I hope you will join in on the challenge. I think it's great! Click on the link above for all the juicy details!