As a teacher, I am VERY dedicated to my job. I work late, I bring home work, I spend extra money on my classroom, I attend workshops, and I try to further myself in my career. I love my job. I worked so hard to earn my degree while working two jobs and then to obtain my masters degree while beginning my career. I have always been very career minded. As you can tell, I take so much pride in working.
Today, I received a nice offer at work. They offered to train me in the reading recovery program. This would allow me to become a reading teacher and get out of the classroom. Same pay but, almost a step up in my eyes. Training would begin next school year and is pretty intense. Then it hit me, what if I'm pregnant? What if I have to deliver in the middle of training? What if my advancement opportunity is missed because I will be out on maternity leave? For someone who only recently realized there was more to life than work, this hits you like a ton of bricks.
When we first started trying to conceive we were aiming to have a due date during the summer so I wouldn't have to miss that much work. After 7 months and a round of fertility drugs, that has flown out the window. I will be happy to get pregnant whenever it happens. But what about my job? This is a point in my life where I have to teach myself that the job will always be there, opportunities will always arrive, but children are something that I can not put off because of my health and being a military spouse.
Between hypothyroidism, PCOS, and my husband being gone all the time with the Navy a child will be a miracle.
I will still accept the training, by the time it starts, I could still be trying to conceive. (I hope not!) This situation just made me realize how much a baby will change my life. It won't be about work anymore, it will be about family. It won't be about the dog and both cats anymore, it will be about my child. A balancing act that I will have to learn, especially as a person who has always been career and education focused.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Google crazy
The Internet can be such a good thing... Or a bad thing... Or a crazy thing. For me, it seems to be all three. Not only have I obsessively been checking the weather for the snow updates here in North Carolina, I'm pretty sure I have googled "4dpo" about 3 times today and its only 4:30pm.
I know the chances of getting pregnant on Clomid are low (thanks Google) but, I keep hoping. I also know every early symptom possible including the fact that someone had a runny nose and someone else had bleeding gums and both turned out pregnant. In good news, I'm not the only one out there tracking all these crazy symptoms. There are tons of boards and websites dedicated to those of us who was to know from the moment we ovulate if it was successful or not (wouldn't that be fantastic?!)
Here are some of my favorites that I have trolled through the past few days:
The Two Week Wait- this website lets users list symptoms they had if they had a positive pregnancy test. They are known as "success" stories and I like that I can compare what I have to what they had.
Countdown to Pregnancy- this website allows users to select what dpo they are and see common symptoms for that day. They also show uploaded pregnancy test pictures. I also like the articles on things such as implantation bleeding.
I also read most of the message boards that pop up in my searches and see what people have to say.
I love that while we have only told about 3 people about our infertility journey, I have so much support from people on the Internet. I genuinely hope they get their wish and I wait to see their pictures and symptoms everyday. I know how they feel waiting and I do not wish the disappointment of yet another BFN on anyone who has faced that struggle.
Today I am about 4dpo ovulation. I am fairly certain that I ovulated Friday night/early Saturday morning. The pain from my left ovary woke me up and the next day I didn't feel it at all. Friday around 11am I had my hcg trigger shot after my first round of Clomid. My follicle on the left side measured at 18.5. The entire weekend I had a headache and felt kind of nauseous but I'm fairly certain that was from the trigger shot.
Yesterday I felt twinges in my left ovary again. (This would be around 3dpo). I was also pretty hungry and majorly gassy and bloated. Today is the same (4dpo) with hunger and gassy and bloating. Same twinges with my left ovary, which is the one that I assumed ovulated. I also haven't felt very good today and had some trouble eating lunch.
I posted this picture to my Instagram in hopes that what I felt was my fertilized egg traveling its journey through the tube!
I know the chances of getting pregnant on Clomid are low (thanks Google) but, I keep hoping. I also know every early symptom possible including the fact that someone had a runny nose and someone else had bleeding gums and both turned out pregnant. In good news, I'm not the only one out there tracking all these crazy symptoms. There are tons of boards and websites dedicated to those of us who was to know from the moment we ovulate if it was successful or not (wouldn't that be fantastic?!)
Here are some of my favorites that I have trolled through the past few days:
The Two Week Wait- this website lets users list symptoms they had if they had a positive pregnancy test. They are known as "success" stories and I like that I can compare what I have to what they had.
Countdown to Pregnancy- this website allows users to select what dpo they are and see common symptoms for that day. They also show uploaded pregnancy test pictures. I also like the articles on things such as implantation bleeding.
I also read most of the message boards that pop up in my searches and see what people have to say.
I love that while we have only told about 3 people about our infertility journey, I have so much support from people on the Internet. I genuinely hope they get their wish and I wait to see their pictures and symptoms everyday. I know how they feel waiting and I do not wish the disappointment of yet another BFN on anyone who has faced that struggle.
Today I am about 4dpo ovulation. I am fairly certain that I ovulated Friday night/early Saturday morning. The pain from my left ovary woke me up and the next day I didn't feel it at all. Friday around 11am I had my hcg trigger shot after my first round of Clomid. My follicle on the left side measured at 18.5. The entire weekend I had a headache and felt kind of nauseous but I'm fairly certain that was from the trigger shot.
Yesterday I felt twinges in my left ovary again. (This would be around 3dpo). I was also pretty hungry and majorly gassy and bloated. Today is the same (4dpo) with hunger and gassy and bloating. Same twinges with my left ovary, which is the one that I assumed ovulated. I also haven't felt very good today and had some trouble eating lunch.
I posted this picture to my Instagram in hopes that what I felt was my fertilized egg traveling its journey through the tube!
While I hope I am pregnant, I am also hoping that keeping up with this journey might help someone else. If I'm not I will have the symptoms documented and if I am, then others might know what to look for. 10 more days and we will know! If this cycle doesn't work then we will have to skip one because my husband will be out on the ship for 3 weeks.
I am open for any other "crazy infertility websites" if you want to share one!
Fingers crossed!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
But everyone else is doing it...
23. That's the number of people I interact with on a daily basis either through social media or from day to day interactions that are currently pregnant. Since we have been trying to concieve for 6 months, that's a lot of announcements of babies that I so wanted to be my announcement but, every month just left me with false hopes and disappointments.
Am I happy for these people? Sure, I'm thrilled for them. They are getting that joy of pregnancy and being a mom that I have yet to experience and I am hoping to have. But seriously, does EVERY post you have or everything you do or say have to involve your pregnancy somehow? Sure, it consumes your life, you are carrying a child, I got that. Sure, you are happy because getting pregnant was apparently so easy and carefree for you. For me, everytime I read it, it's a reminder that I'm not and not sure when or even if I ever will be. It's a slap into reality that I'm taking pills and getting shots for something that should be natural for me. Everything was done right. I went to college, had my fun, got a good job, settled down, got married and then comes the baby, right? Apparently not.
I will never say anything to them. I will never dash their excititment and gazillion posts about how hungry they are or the movements they felt. The names. The questions. The registries. The showers. I will never take that joy from them but, do I wish they could see the other side? Yes. The millions of silent women just waiting and injecting and visiting doctors, the ones who are counting down, getting disappointed, and then counting again.
I am waiting my two weeks patiently. I am analyzing everything my body does like it's going to do me any good. I am also secretly setting myself up for disappointment. I know it might not work this time and instead of giving myself false hopes, I would rather give myself reality and let excitement come naturally, if it does. When/if the time comes, I will never be the person to flaunt it. I will announce it, sure, it's exciting, but will I discuss it constantly, no I will not. I will not be the daily heartbreak for someone else. No one knows we are trying except a select few, a few of which are guilty of the incessant posts. I didn't want a billion questions so I have kept it to myself with the exception if the few and this blog.
Today I'm going to focus not on the growing number of pregnancies around me but, my own struggle and the struggles of others. I will love on my animals since they are currently my babies. I will get ready for work tomorrow and put on my smile and show the world that they can't bring me down.
Am I happy for these people? Sure, I'm thrilled for them. They are getting that joy of pregnancy and being a mom that I have yet to experience and I am hoping to have. But seriously, does EVERY post you have or everything you do or say have to involve your pregnancy somehow? Sure, it consumes your life, you are carrying a child, I got that. Sure, you are happy because getting pregnant was apparently so easy and carefree for you. For me, everytime I read it, it's a reminder that I'm not and not sure when or even if I ever will be. It's a slap into reality that I'm taking pills and getting shots for something that should be natural for me. Everything was done right. I went to college, had my fun, got a good job, settled down, got married and then comes the baby, right? Apparently not.
I will never say anything to them. I will never dash their excititment and gazillion posts about how hungry they are or the movements they felt. The names. The questions. The registries. The showers. I will never take that joy from them but, do I wish they could see the other side? Yes. The millions of silent women just waiting and injecting and visiting doctors, the ones who are counting down, getting disappointed, and then counting again.
I am waiting my two weeks patiently. I am analyzing everything my body does like it's going to do me any good. I am also secretly setting myself up for disappointment. I know it might not work this time and instead of giving myself false hopes, I would rather give myself reality and let excitement come naturally, if it does. When/if the time comes, I will never be the person to flaunt it. I will announce it, sure, it's exciting, but will I discuss it constantly, no I will not. I will not be the daily heartbreak for someone else. No one knows we are trying except a select few, a few of which are guilty of the incessant posts. I didn't want a billion questions so I have kept it to myself with the exception if the few and this blog.
Today I'm going to focus not on the growing number of pregnancies around me but, my own struggle and the struggles of others. I will love on my animals since they are currently my babies. I will get ready for work tomorrow and put on my smile and show the world that they can't bring me down.
Friday, February 7, 2014
The Two Week Wait
Today, February 7, 2014, was my first hcg shot. My follicle measured 18.5 today as compared to 14.7 on Wednesday so, she said to give it 24 to 48 hours. Hopefully, this is will be the time that the egg is released and fertilized. If not, we have to miss a cycle since my husband will be out to sea for two and a half weeks.
I have let it consume my brain today. I feel every twinge in my abdomen and every muscle flinch. Sometimes I feel like I am making it up! This is our first round of Clomid so, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This measuring and timing is all new to me. It's a little scary. What if it doesn't work, what if it never works? What if my body is just not meant to have babies? I wouldn't be devestated but, it would take some time to digest that information and bring myself to the reality that I will never have that.
In two weeks I will know. In two weeks I will either be peeing on a stick or buying a box of tampons. It will be hard to concentrate. How do you go through the day wondering if cells are multiplying to form a new life right inside your body and concentrate? I will be looking for every single sign that people usually don't even notice. I will be noticing every ache, pain, or feeling my body has for two weeks. Of course, I have been doing that for months not knowing that my body was just pretending to be fertile while not actually doing anything. I just hope that I don't end this two weeks with another disappointment. A single line on a stick. A visit from "aunt flo" that tells you "Nope! Not this time". Having to look at all these fertile people with babies and know its not going to be me.
The wait begins, I just hope the end result is positive.
I have let it consume my brain today. I feel every twinge in my abdomen and every muscle flinch. Sometimes I feel like I am making it up! This is our first round of Clomid so, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This measuring and timing is all new to me. It's a little scary. What if it doesn't work, what if it never works? What if my body is just not meant to have babies? I wouldn't be devestated but, it would take some time to digest that information and bring myself to the reality that I will never have that.
In two weeks I will know. In two weeks I will either be peeing on a stick or buying a box of tampons. It will be hard to concentrate. How do you go through the day wondering if cells are multiplying to form a new life right inside your body and concentrate? I will be looking for every single sign that people usually don't even notice. I will be noticing every ache, pain, or feeling my body has for two weeks. Of course, I have been doing that for months not knowing that my body was just pretending to be fertile while not actually doing anything. I just hope that I don't end this two weeks with another disappointment. A single line on a stick. A visit from "aunt flo" that tells you "Nope! Not this time". Having to look at all these fertile people with babies and know its not going to be me.
The wait begins, I just hope the end result is positive.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Let It Be
Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for ovulation. I have taken my Clomid and tomorrow I go in to see what it's all about. I think my biggest fears are that it won't work or that my body already ovulated and my husband wasn't home yet. He gets home tomorrow and I tried to time everything perfectly.
This is only my first round of the Clomid. The trouble with it not working is that in two weeks my husband leaves again for two weeks and I'm not sure when we would get to have another cycle.
What I need to do is just let it be... Like the Beatles say. Relax and let things happen on their own time and not be impatient. Not let the happiness of others get me down, and not let thoughts of my own bodies failures get in my way.
I have never been the girl that's dreams of a family or can't wait to be a mom. I work with kids everyday and I know what a joy they are but the thought of parenthood absolutely terrifies me. I'm also afraid that if I don't do it now then I never will and I will regret it. I only want one. One little munchkin that I can teach how to bake and read beautiful books to at night. One little piece of me and my husband to carry on values and teachings and family stories. If it doesn't happen then I won't have shattered dreams but, just more wonderings and questions of what could have been.
It makes me feel better to see others with these struggles. I am so scared and I think it's even more scary that I don't know what to expect. I don't know how fertility treatments work. All my friends have been blessed to be el naturals. My best friend got pregnant the first time she tried and sent me the ultrasound picture the day I was prescribed my Clomid. It was almost like a punch in the stomach. I just want to be the one guessing boy or girl, shopping etsy for cute baby things instead of dog collars, and feeling flutters in my belly.
I hope that things work in our favor tomorrow. For now, I will drink some tea, read my book, relax, and.... Let it be.
This is only my first round of the Clomid. The trouble with it not working is that in two weeks my husband leaves again for two weeks and I'm not sure when we would get to have another cycle.
What I need to do is just let it be... Like the Beatles say. Relax and let things happen on their own time and not be impatient. Not let the happiness of others get me down, and not let thoughts of my own bodies failures get in my way.
I have never been the girl that's dreams of a family or can't wait to be a mom. I work with kids everyday and I know what a joy they are but the thought of parenthood absolutely terrifies me. I'm also afraid that if I don't do it now then I never will and I will regret it. I only want one. One little munchkin that I can teach how to bake and read beautiful books to at night. One little piece of me and my husband to carry on values and teachings and family stories. If it doesn't happen then I won't have shattered dreams but, just more wonderings and questions of what could have been.
It makes me feel better to see others with these struggles. I am so scared and I think it's even more scary that I don't know what to expect. I don't know how fertility treatments work. All my friends have been blessed to be el naturals. My best friend got pregnant the first time she tried and sent me the ultrasound picture the day I was prescribed my Clomid. It was almost like a punch in the stomach. I just want to be the one guessing boy or girl, shopping etsy for cute baby things instead of dog collars, and feeling flutters in my belly.
I hope that things work in our favor tomorrow. For now, I will drink some tea, read my book, relax, and.... Let it be.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Sunday Ramblings
My weekend has been anything but exciting, this Navy wife is ready for her husband to be HOME!
Lets start with Saturday. I attempted to go to our local Wal-Mart (only because its 45 min to the closest Target) which was a total hot mess. Let me remind myself never to make that adventure after a huge snow on the first of the month again.
In good news when I got home my new neck pillow was waiting for me! It is Luna from Sailor Moon and I can not be more excited about that!
Lets start with Saturday. I attempted to go to our local Wal-Mart (only because its 45 min to the closest Target) which was a total hot mess. Let me remind myself never to make that adventure after a huge snow on the first of the month again.
In good news when I got home my new neck pillow was waiting for me! It is Luna from Sailor Moon and I can not be more excited about that!
It has worked wonders on my neck while I read and I am so excited about it I could burst! Where do you get one of these delightful neck pillows? I got it off Etsy at a place called Comfort By Felicia Rose. She has all sorts of neck pillows that she hand makes. I have to say the quality is fantastic. She also has a Facebook page which you can find here.
Saturday night I enjoyed my neck pillow as I read some more in my book Allegiant which is the 3rd book in the Divergent series. I have to say, I already like it much better than the second but not as good as the first. I can't wait to write a review on that one! I also watched Gone With The Wind since it was on TV. One of my absolute favorite movies! I always wonder what it would be like to live in those big beautiful houses and wear those huge dresses. Things seemed so simple then although I'm sure they didn't think things were simple just like we don't always think things are simple.
Today I am watching a The Walking Dead marathon on AMC. It is one of my favorite shows and even though I have watched every episode I watch it again. I can wait for it to return on February 9! I think I have a thing for stories that involve an alternate world in which we live. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading so much. I intend to read The Walking Dead comics after the show runs its course. Reading them beforehand might spoil what's going to happen.
Today is also the last day of my Clomid. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure the baby making process is on course. Lets hope it is and that I'm not setting myself up for heartbreak.
Despite missing my husband so much when he is gone, I never let it get me down. I wish he was here to make fun of me for watching gone with the wind and using a neck pillow but, I make the best of it while he is gone. Luckily, this is just an underway and he will be home soon! (Only to leave again in a few weeks)
We now have a Facebook page that you can access here and an Instagram account under the name "lifeonthebooks"
Friday, January 31, 2014
All that fertility jazz
I am on day 3 of the clomid. I can tell you that it makes me a little dizzy and that it makes my eyesight a little blurry (or maybe thats because I have been looking at snow all day for 3 days!).
I think my main concern is that it won't work this time. My husband is in the Navy and is gone a lot. We are timing this one for the day he returns but, in two weeks he leaves again and I am scared that we will miss our 2nd chance and have to wait longer. It is very frustrating knowing that I should have gone to the doctor sooner but, I didn't know that I needed to go. I have to keep telling myself that what is meant to be will be and I can't change it.
I have my ultrasound scheduled for February 5. They will see if I ovulated and if I did not then they will give me a shot and make me ovulate, or so my paper that they gave me says. I am nervous that none of it will work. Maybe I am more infertile than what I think I am.
Social media has shown me it's ugly side on this matter and it didn't even mean to. I think I know 110 recently impregnated couples and my newsfeed is flooded with how the baby moved, ultrasound pictures, symptoms of pregnancy, how to name the baby...blah, blah, blah. I will not be that person if I am ever able to get pregnant. I have learned my lesson on spreading the love when not everyone might not have that love to spread. I know that they do not mean to hurt me and that they are excited but I wonder, how many people are seeing those posts and while they are happy for them, die just a little inside everytime they read it. I have even hidden two people from my newsfeed, I just couldn't take them anymore. I know, I'm being bitter, I don't want to be bitter, it's just hard.
Here's to hoping that it takes this time. Hoping.
I think my main concern is that it won't work this time. My husband is in the Navy and is gone a lot. We are timing this one for the day he returns but, in two weeks he leaves again and I am scared that we will miss our 2nd chance and have to wait longer. It is very frustrating knowing that I should have gone to the doctor sooner but, I didn't know that I needed to go. I have to keep telling myself that what is meant to be will be and I can't change it.
I have my ultrasound scheduled for February 5. They will see if I ovulated and if I did not then they will give me a shot and make me ovulate, or so my paper that they gave me says. I am nervous that none of it will work. Maybe I am more infertile than what I think I am.
Social media has shown me it's ugly side on this matter and it didn't even mean to. I think I know 110 recently impregnated couples and my newsfeed is flooded with how the baby moved, ultrasound pictures, symptoms of pregnancy, how to name the baby...blah, blah, blah. I will not be that person if I am ever able to get pregnant. I have learned my lesson on spreading the love when not everyone might not have that love to spread. I know that they do not mean to hurt me and that they are excited but I wonder, how many people are seeing those posts and while they are happy for them, die just a little inside everytime they read it. I have even hidden two people from my newsfeed, I just couldn't take them anymore. I know, I'm being bitter, I don't want to be bitter, it's just hard.
Here's to hoping that it takes this time. Hoping.
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