Planning it out

So I met with my RE today in order to discuss our next options. She has suggested that we just up my femara to 5mg for 2-4 rounds and see what that does before moving on the the injectables. 

She explained that people with PCOS don't produce the best quality eggs so she wants me to produce more than the one measly follicle I've been producing. 

She also was not pleased that the other doctor in the practice who saw me for my egg scan last time just sent me on my way with no double checking of my one 14mm follicle. She just told me to take the ovidrel two days later and assumed that it grew. This time I will be returning if they are not up to size yet! 

Overall I was pleased with the visit. 

Fun Fact: My doctors office performed the first IVF in America! I go to EVMS in Norfolk, VA and I was reading some material in the waiting room and found that out! Makes me feel like I'm in the right place! 

Are things going to go my way?

First of all I want to start with THANK YOU to my ttc sisters for all the support. I'm not sure how anyone is able to go through this without the support of others in the same situation. 

This was our second femara round with an ovidrel shot and timed intercourse. Of course this morning I got a BFN. We will do this one more time before moving on to the next step. 

What is the next step? I have an appointment with my RE on the 24th to discuss it. I'm wondering if IUI will be our next step or if we will just try other injectables with timed intercourse or something I was not even aware of! My husband is also finally getting his seman analysis. Since he has two children we had not yet done that but, now we feel like that step needs to be taken. 

Hopefully the next time will work and we won't have to worry about it but, I feel like I have been saying that for a year and a half now! 

Halloween fun? Or not?

Yesterday was Halloween and I loved every minute of it, well on the outside I did. On the inside, a little peice of my heart was breaking. 

This time last year I remember thinking "I can't wait until next year when we will have a little one to dress up!". This was before we had a diagnoses and before I knew that this Halloween I would be saying something similar: "I hope next year we have a little one to take around!".  Those two little words "I hope" show that I'm not sure if this time next year we will have a little one. The infertility battle always seems never ending and when you look at the future, you want to see yourself with a child but, you hold back knowing that the dream of the future might not be fulfilled yet. (Notice I said YET!) 

I put on my happy face yesterday and I really was excited to see all the kids in their costumes. They are all so cute! I just kept thinking of how much I want to dress up my kid and let them have so much fun. 

While I have never suffered a loss of a child, the pain seems greater. A friend of mine lost her 6 month old daughter to SMA in the past 2 months. She mentioned on Facebook that her heart was breaking because she thought that this Halloween would be fun and she would get to dress her daughter up. My heart went out to her and made me check my own emotions, that is a loss that I could never understand and I am sure that yesterday was a terrible day for her emotionally. While a little peice of my heart was breaking, her entire heart was breaking. 

We are officially in the 2ww so right now I have a little bit of hope for next year. I am probably about 2dpo today. I hope things are happening in there that will make next Halloween a little more fun! 

Femara round 2

So today is CD12 so I went in for my egg scan with the hopes of having good news since I responded so well last time and I had been cramping again. 

The news was not as great as I had hoped. 

I had one at 16mm on one side and one at 12mm on the other. Since last time on CD11 I had one at 21mm, this was slightly disappointing news. 

She still wants me to trigger on Wednesday around 7pm and then start progesterone on Saturday. 

I already feel like this will not be our cycle. I am not confident that my body will cooperate. I hope it does but, as the past has shown, it normally does not. 

We were also told that we could try this 2 more times before moving on to IUI which my insurance doesn't cover. I think we should go ahead and start saving for it just to make sure we can cover the cost! 

Tricky tricky

I think anyone who is TTC tries something new each cycle in hopes that that will be the answer to getting that BFP. I have tried teas, pineapple, being lazy, being energetic, being around babies for good kharma, avoiding babies, taking coughs syrup, avoiding medications, basically anything that I thought would help. 

After a discussion with my husband, we feel that this is the answer this time: 

Yes, that is a pile of pillows. 

We were discussing how this months treatment is the same as last months (2nd femara cycle, ovidrel injection, progesterone suppositories until test date). We also discussed how (TMI alert!) "very wet" things are after BD and that we thought I lost a lot of the sperm due to him pulling out when he was done. So, we decided my hips need to be "tilted back" and that he needed to not only stay in after he was done but keep going since he generally has to use the restroom a lot afterwards and says he is still going when he does. 

We tested our theory last week with the pillows and discovered that things were much less "wet" afterwards and he felt like he got everything out. So, fingers crossed that's been part of our problem! 

It's crazy the things we try. I can definitely tell the femara is working again. I feel a lot of cramps and have a lot of EWCM. I'm almost worried I will ovulate before my trigger! My appointment is tomorrow, fingers crossed that what I'm feeling means good news and that our pillow theory is the answer! 

Gettin' busy!

So apparently my body responds well to the femara! Today was my CD11 egg scan and I had one follicle that was 21cm on the right as well as another smaller one on that side. He didn't even check the left side because he said he had enough information! Lol! 

I was prescribed the Ovidrel to trigger at 8pm tonight and then progesterone suppositories to start on Wednesday and take everyday until I test. I can test on 10/14. 

I don't plan to test early, I'm going to try and be patient. I can't symptom spot because of the progesterone so, patience it is! Luckily I have a busy two weeks ahead of me! I have a wine festival to go to on the 11th and I plan to taste some wines. I have decided not to put my life on hold for my infertility anymore. I'm going to a football game and going to my wine festival and I won't have any regrets of things I missed out on if I get that negative test, again. 

I will take any and all advice on either the shot or the progesterone because this will be my first time with both! My OB's office would do the shot for me so this is my first time doing it at home. I'm a little nervous about it! 

FX for a quick two weeks! 

The Two Week Wait by Sarah Rayner- Book Review

I originally purchased this book because of my struggles with infertility. The two week wait is a dreadful time and takes so much to get through! I was both pleased and disappointed with this book for many reasons, let's start with why I was pleased. 

The book follows two stories. One of Lou who is a lesbian and has realized that her time to carry a child is quickly dwindling as she ages and after she finds a cyst in her uterus. The other is of Cath and Rich who is a couple who want a child after Cath has had her ovaries removed due to cancer. Both stories intertwine as they find themselves at a conference on IVF and egg donation. I liked how the book conveyed how the characters felt emotionally having to go through such a process as well as the agony of judgement from those around them who didn't quite agree with IVF as it is not a "natural" way to conceive. Towards the end of the book I felt that the characters really had their emotions conveyed through words and anyone who has been through IVF or is going through IVF can really relate to those feelings. 

There were a few things that I wasn't so pleased with.  First of all, since the title is "The Two Week Wait" I totally expected the book to really get into the emotion and agony of the two week wait. This was not the case. Most of the story revolved around the events leading up to or after the two week wait, not the two week wait itself. I was very disappointed when the two week wait seemed to be skipped over with just a small chapter or two. I also was displeased with how they left out a lot of the medical terms and names that go along with infertility. I was kind of hoping to be reading a book related to my world and I didn't really get one. I also has hoped that the couples would have exhausted all options before IVF.  In the scenarios presented, IVF was the only option but, I would have liked to have read a book about a couple, straight or Lesbian, who had struggled with many failed treatments and have those emotions conveyed through words and have that story told to the world since I feel like it is the most common. 

In all, I would give the book 3 out of 5 stars. It was a good storyline, although it moved very slow in what seemed like the wrong places. If you are a lesbian trying to conceive or a couple going through IVF I totally recommend this book to you. I think you will really enjoy it. The book is written by a British author so, as an American there were a few differences in language but I didn't mind that at all. 

On to the next book: "An Abundance of Katherine's" by John Green. 

When life gets in the way...

Well, I haven't blogged in awhile and I didn't review the last book I read. I wanted to, but I couldn't. What's been going on with me? 

For starters I lost one of my dearest and closest friends in a car accident on August 16. He was funny and caring. He would give you a hard time and support the things you loved. He could crack a joke and tell you something serious in the same conversation. I miss him so terribly. It is still a shock to my system and I have had so much trouble processing it. I talked to him that day before he died and I will cherish that conversation forever. Here is a picture of us at my wedding (the other girl was his fiancé). 

While trying to process the loss of my friend I returned to work after a summer off! I am teacher and the first few weeks of school will drive you batty! I feel like I've been running on low battery every single day! 

The death of my friend has also brought out a better relationship with my husband. I think he saw the rut we had hit dealing with infertility (another post on that later) and has done a complete 180. It had been very nice and I'm glad we were able to bring something positive out of all the negativity in my life! 

Speaking of infertility, I'm on CD53 (I think). After some spotting but no AF I was instructed to take my ten days of provera and induce it. I went off of my metformin for about a week and a half basically because of forgetting to take it but now I'm back on it and taking it regularly. When I get AF I will cycle day 3 bloodwork and take Femara on days 5-9 with an ultrasound on CD12. I'm ready to jump back on that wagon! My best friend had her baby and I have made amends with her after not speaking most of her pregnancy. She is being supportive and hopefully our children won't be to far apart in age! 

Well, that is what has been going on with me! 

The dreaded HSG

So you hear the horror stories and you hear the not so horrible stories and you think... What is mine going to be like? 

Well, here is my story... 

An HSG, for those who don't know, is where they insert instruments into your Hoo-Ha and fill it with dye and see if the dye goes through your uterus, through your tubes, and out the other side indicating all is clear. It sounds simple and looking back on it, it didn't take long. It did, however, feel like it would never, ever, end. 

I have been taking my antibiotics as prescribed and I took 800mg of ibuprofen beforehand as instructed. (Note: Do NOT forget the ibuprofen... Do not) My mom drove me to the appointment because instructions asked that I have a driver, also a good idea on my part. After waiting 45 minutes past my appointment time they took me back and this nurse starts blabbing off all the things I need to remember. I still have no idea all of what she said. 

She took me into the room where all these fancy instruments were layed out like I was about to be dissected. I removed the bottom half of my clothes and put my feet into the all to familiar "OBGYN position". 

Now this is where things get a little fuzzy. Maybe I should have taken some shots ahead of time to calm myself. (I mean, who would have known, right?) The doctor kept telling me to relax as she sat in a chair, facing my Hoo-Ha with instruments in her hand. Relax. Right. 

The next few minutes were just pain. Cramping, pain, more cramping, more pain. I think the doctor might have been explaining what she was doing? Who knows. Then all the color drained from my face and the nurse said, I think we should take a break, she doesn't have any color and she's shaking.

Let's give a little background on my tolerance of medical procedures here. Every time I lost a tooth I passed out. Every. Single. Tooth. My first cortisone shot for my shoulder in high school? Bam. Right on the floor. How about the first time I ever had blood taken? You guessed it, I made it to the waiting room and blacked out. I think I made it to a chair that time. You get where I'm going with this. 

So, what do you think happened next? Well in good news, that nurse noticed my distressed and started asking me questions to bring me back to reality, while the other doctor stopped and left her instruments in my Hoo-Ha. After a few minutes of collecting myself to the best of my ability and wet paper towel across my forehead we were able to proceed. 

Luckily soon after that we were done. It still took me five minutes to be able to stand without falling and the nurse insisted upon helping me dress and wheeling, yes wheeling, like in a wheelchair, me out to the waiting room for my mom. Not embarrassing AT ALL. 

In good news, before the doctor scurried out of the room she showed me my pictures and all was clear! My tubes are open and that is great news! 

It's been about four hours and I have some cramping and my Hoo-Ha is very sore. Pain medication is my friend and I intend to lay in bed and read and eat ice cream because any day someone sticks metal instruments in your Hoo-Ha you deserve ice cream. 

For anyone getting and HCG I recommend the pain medication and a driver. If someone tells you it doesn't hurt they are either lying to make you feel better or has the pain tolerance of rock. In good news, it is over rather quickly although it feels like forever! My other suggestion, eat ice cream afterwords just because you deserve it! :) 

A sense of normalcy

Today is CD1 and this was my first non-medicated, ovulatory, cycle. It was almost beautiful except those high temps almost gave me hope I was pregnant! I guess that's what happens when you never have a normal cycle without the use of medication. 

So where do we go from here? 

I started Metformin yesterday. So far the only problem I had was excessive bloating after eating some ice cream. I have been really good about eating healthy but yesterday I made a "cheat day" just to see how the metformin would affect my body in different scenarios to see if I needed to avoid any foods. I had dairy and greasy foods and all ended up okay. I hope today is just as successful while I'm back on my eating healthy ways. I had heard so many side effect horror stories that I was scared but, all was good! 

My HSG is scheduled for next Wednesday with results being read the following Monday. My husband will be out to sea for two weeks at the end of the month so even if I do ovulate he will miss it. (Thanks US Navy!) This will be another non-medicated cycle. I am going to let the metformin get in my system and next cycle I will start femara. Hopefully my HSG comes back okay! I will also keep temp charting just to keep record and hopefully have another "normal" cycle so I don't have to take provera to jump start AF. 

This will be our beginning journey with a fertility specialist instead of my OBGYN. I hope it works this time! 

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn- Book Review

After reading "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn I was sucked into her style of writing. I've never been the murder mystery type of person but, her novels are so well written and suspenseful that I just can't help myself from reading more! 

While "Gone Girl" had its twist in the middle, this book waits until the very end for its plot changing twist. I almost liked that better because I knew there was a great twist coming but, I just couldn't figure out when. 

Yet again, with this novel, Flynn wonderfully tells a story through the main characters point of view. It really makes the reader try to peice together what happened while telling several stories at once. 

Dark Places is a story of Libby Day who is trying to get to the bottom of the murder of her mother and sisters when she was young. The character of Libby was generally a little rough at first but, I eventually grew to like her and see she was a survivor above everything. Libby reaches out to her brother Ben after a murders enthusiast group convinces her that he is not the killer and is in jail for no reason. I was not a fan of his character throughout the novel although, I don't feel as if Flynn wanted him to be a character the reader "likes" so to speak. 

As with both of Flynn's books that I have read, I always feel like there could be as sequel. The story could continue into a second book with great ease. I'm not sure if that's intentional but it drives me crazy in a good way! It's one of the things that makes the book great! 

I don't want to get into the plot too deep but, I loved how all the pieces came together for a stunning plot twist at the end. While I had my theories about the ending, none of them were even close to right! 

I would definitely recommend this book for anyone looking to pick up a good read! 

Eating Better- Changing to an Organic Lifestyle!

I wasn't looking for a new "diet fad" or "quick" way to lose weight. I have been overweight my entire life and in knew at 30 with hypothyroidism and PCOS my dreams of being "skinny" were long gone. I also knew that I needed a healthy way of living as my body was not going to cooperate with me shoving pizza and cupcakes in my mouth. 

After some research, I realized how many hormones and "fake" ingredients were put into foods. I started reading labels of things I was eating and I didn't like what I saw. I saw dyes, I saw things I couldn't even pronounce, I saw things I had never even heard of! I decided that I would try to eat a better and organic lifestyle and cut those "fake" ingredients from my diet. It has actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be! 

I decided to start small, with fruit. While not all fruit that I buy is organic, most of it is. Even when it isn't organic, I know it's better for me than say... Doritos. I live in a farming community who has a farmers market every Saturday so most weeks I am able to buy local fruits and vegetables! If not, I usually hit up the local farm stands and they can tell me where it came from. There is also a locally owned organic store in which I can buy some fruits from. 

My next organic action... SWEETS! A girl has to have her chocolate right?! 

I found these and fell in LOVE! They are completely organic and I have found them in Target and Farm Fresh. I can't even eat a Reese's anymore, these are ten times better! Newman's Own also makes a very good dark chocolate peanut butter cup. 

I knew I couldn't go without sweets so, I limit my intake of these but, they are great to fix that sweet tooth! 

My next step with an organic diet was "quick" meals. I'm not a cooker. I'm just not. I try to be, I really do but, it's just not my thing. That's when I found Evol. 

I have found these at Target and Farm Fresh. While they are not completely organic they do use wholesome ingredients and when I read the list I know what the items are. They are delicious and filling! 

My last change is meats. Grass fed, hormone free, meats. These seem to be a little harder to find. Target carries some but it is normally really picked over here! I have been eating more fresh seafood (I live on the coast) this summer but when fall hits I'm really going to have to pay more attention to my meats. 

I have found Applegate meats, which I LOVE! 

I have found these at Target! 

Milk was also an easy change, found at most grocery stores. 

While I have cheated a few times (thanks Chick-Fil-A) I have loved my switch! I feel better and I think it has helped my health! This is month two of a gradual change so, hopefully I will see more results as I continue this lifestyle change! 

A Nice Little Meeting

Today was my first appointment with the fertility specialist. I knew after the 3 rounds of Clomid (50mg) with the trigger shots and ultrasounds didn't work then we were going to have to do something else. 

So, for starters she took my history.  I have hypothyroidism as well as PCOS. It took my mother 5 years to concieve me and she was never able to have children after me. 

Next, we discussed medication. She wants me to start taking Metformin now and then add the Femera at the right time. (I'm on day 18 of my current cycle). If on cycle day 30 AF has not shown and my pregnancy test is negative then she would like me to take Provera to bring on my next cycle. On day 3 of my next cycle I will need bloodwork and then on day 5 she will perform an HSG in order to make sure my tubes are open. My husband will also need a semen analysis although he has two kids from a previous relationship so, she doesn't think he will be the problem. 

She also looked at my bbt chart I have been keeping up with this cycle and said she thinks I may have ovulated on my own and that it looked really good. So, that could be good news although I am certainly not getting any hopes up there! 

The whole visit made me feel better. She seems to think that I'm not a totally severe case, not yet anyways. Tomorrow marks one year of ttc and I feel like we are finally getting something done. I'm ready for the next cycle to start so we can get started! (Never thought I'd say that!) 

Negative

That's how I felt after my last pregnancy test... Negative. I knew in my heart that it had not worked but, there is always that little piece of hope you hold on to.

I talked to my OBGYN today and we are going to try a 3rd Clomid cycle right away. I will take the pills on days  3-7 with an ultrasound on CD11. She wants my body to ovulate sooner in my cycle than day 15-17. This 3rd time will be tricky as my husband goes out to sea on CD14 but she says we can get things done before he leaves. I hope we do not waste this cycle! I really wanted to get two cycles back to back though because we have yet to be able to do that due to his schedule.

I have started my healthy eating... Again. This afternoon the dog and I took a walk. If we do not concieve this cycle I am going to take the summer off and focus on getting my health better. My husband goes on shore duty in August and will be home more often so maybe that will also help!

All will work out. I know it will!

Why don't want my TWW to be over

Tomorrow is the day, the day the dreaded two week wait is finally over. But why would I not want it to be over? I should be thrilled to finally find out if Clomid cycle number 2 worked but, I'm not. 

During the two week wait, you unintentionally build yourself up. You think about names and think about events that might come up if you're pregnant, you think about announcing it and maybe even nursery colors. All these build in your head. Then, you take that test and see it... BFN.  All those dreams come crashing down and the sadness takes over. I'm scared that's going to happen to me... Again. 

I'm tired of that being me. I'm tired of the one line pregnancy tests and the "not pregnant" digital tests. I have taken so many of those tests over the past year. The worst ones, I will admit, were when I was unaware of the PCOS and I was having 50 day cycles and testing every other day. 

I have tried to remain positive during this two week wait. I've not over analyzed any symptoms and I've tried to post a positive quote every day. I've been trying not to get my hopes up for tomorrow and be ready for the one line, the one pink line I have seen so many times before. With all of that, there is still this little piece of me that's says "this is the cycle! This is it!" 

Fingers crossed for the morning! I hope my grandmother is watching over me and telling me that this is the time. 

Step Away From the Google

Google. 

Every woman who is trying to concieve's dream. Right? 

You can Google how you are supposed to feel 2DPO. Maybe the fact that I craved bananas yesterday was a sign? How early can this pregnancy test be positive? What is the success rate for the 3rd round of Clomid? 

I am guilty of this as well but ladies, we must stop this madness! The fact here is that we are all different and what will work or be signs for one will not work or be signs for another. In reality, most people who are pregnant do not even know they are pregnant that early. 

Yesterday I received my HCG trigger shot after my second round of Clomid and I have sworn off the Google. I will not Google all of my symptoms. I have not even bought pregnancy tests yet. I'm just going to let it be and do what I am supposed to and live my life for the next two weeks. 

My first round of Clomid I obsessed over those symptoms. I googled everything. I felt tired, I googled. Smells made me sick, I googled. I felt funny, I googled. I wasn't pregnant. Googling only gave my higher hopes and made the let down feel even stronger. In reality, most if it was probably the HCG shot. 

While this round seemed more promising, I am trying not to get my hopes up. That negative test time and time again has worn me down. Living life and going on about my days will hopefully make the two week wait a little less agonizing. Maybe by letting time pass as naturally as possible, the negative I might see at the end of the journey will be a tiny less painful. 

Hopefully I can find a positive quote to sum up my feelings every day instead of google. :) 

Orange is the New Black- Book Review

When I first picked this book up, I did it because the show was so popular. Everyone kept saying how great the show was. Well, I figured if the show was that good, then the book must be better. I can't tell you about the show because I haven't watched it yet but, I can tell you that the book is a real eye opener. 

When the book first starts she briefly discusses the history that led her to prison. I felt like she kind of downplayed her part in the drug and money exchange. She made herself seem a little more innocent than what I think that she probably was. Of course, she is writing the book and might have been looking for some sympathy factor with the fact that she did time for a 10 year old sentence. It kind of set the tone that she didn't belong with your typical "prison type" woman. 

When she finally gets to the woman's correctional institute in Danbury, CT she finds herself surrounded with kind souls, this is where things got to be interesting for me. I didn't know what exactly to expect when I picked the book up but, I thought I would find more fighting and heinous people. I did not find that at all. She writes about the kindness that is bestowed on her since she obviously was a newbie who didn't really know what to do. I expected people to make fun of her and maybe even try to fight her; this was not the case. 

Piper Kerman shows the American public the many faces of people who are in prison. While she was in a minimum security prison and therefore divided from those who might have been incarcerated for more violent crimes, she shows that each person is in there for simply making a mistake. I loved how she showed the good side of even the people that she didn't care for. How they somehow helped her when she least expected it or nicely asked her for help and admitted their ignorance of a subject. She shows how prison tears apart mothers from their children and husbands from their wives. Everyone has someone that loves them and when they are in prison they are torn apart for an extended period of time. 

I loved how expressed that most of her time was made easier due to the overwhelming support of people around her and that most in the prison system do not have a support system, which is part of the reason they landed there in the first place. Her fiance was a wonderful support as well as friends who were constantly sending things. I know there are programs for sending books to prisoners and this made me want to think about signing up for that program to send some books! 

One thing that I took from the book is how our prison system needs to be re-examined. We pay almost 30,000 a year for one female prisoner in the system (Source: Orange is the New Black by Piper Kerman).  I think that there might be better ways to spend our tax dollars for criminals with smaller crimes. Maybe instead of a year 6 months would be enough to think about what you had done, or instead of a minimum six month sentence, 1 month would be okay. From what she described, I think one month of those living conditions would be enough for those who learned their lesson. For repeat offenders, obviously more time would need to be sought after. 

The book teaches patience, kindness, friendship, and the "things can always be worse" lesson. It is a very eye opening account of the American prison system. I enjoyed it and I look forward to seeing what the show has to offer! 

Healthy eating and all that jazz

I'm not the worst eater... but I'm not the best either. I eat fast food, I love cheesecake, and sweet tea is my drink of choice. I also eat a ton of pineapple, bananas, and drink water throughout the day. I admit that I need to eat better but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I can go without certain things. I feel like healthy eating is a lifestyle change and that cutting out things that I love is just going to make it harder and make me give up. So, I have pinterested (is that a word?) and found something that I can eat. I did not count the calories and I didn't follow a diet plan, I just picked out some healthy stuff that I like and I'm going with it. I do like the idea of eating more organically so, I have tried to add as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I can. 

Here is my meal plan through Thursday. Friday is my cheat day since we order out at work for lunch and my husband normally grills something lovely on the grill. Saturday I will make a new plan and go shopping. 

Monday

Breakfast: Cereal (With 1% milk) **Side note: this is because I have not gone to the store yet and this is what I have in the house

Lunch: 1 Can of Pineapple tidbits

              1/2 cup blueberries

               1/2 Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

Dinner: Bagel Pizza (mozzarella cheese, pepperoni, and tomato baked on a bagel)

Snack: Apple

             Almonds

Tuesday

Breakfast: 1/2 Bagel with peanut butter, blueberries, and sliced almonds on top

                    Cut up Strawberries

Lunch: Cucumber Ranch Turkey Wrap

              Peach (sliced)

              Grapes

              1/4 cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Dinner: Italian Pasta (Rotini noodles, tomato, spinach, Italian dressing)

Snack: Banana

Wednesday

Breakfast: 1/2 Bagel with peanut butter and bananas

                    Cut up strawberries

Lunch: Spinach Salad with Tuna (Spinach, tomato, cucumber, Italian Dressing)

              Grapes

               1/4 Cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Dinner: Stuffed Chicken Breast (Stuffed with leftover spinach, mushrooms, mozzarella Cheese) 

Thursday

Breakfast: Cereal with 1% milk

Lunch: Apple Granola Wrap (peanut butter, cut up apple, granola)

             Strawberries

             Blueberries

             1/4 cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Dinner: Baked Potato with leftover Chicken

Friday: Cheat day!

Breakfast: Cereal/Milk

Lunch: BLT with macaroni salad from Deli and Banana Pudding

Dinner: ???? Maybe Steak with mac and cheese

Friday night I will plan the next week and go to the store. Also, I will be drinking water with all of these meals. I also drink fertility tea at night. 

Shopping List: 

Crunchy Peanut Butter (because that's what I like!)

Bagels

Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Sliced Almonds

Pepperoni

Bananas

Spinach

Tuna

Cherry Tomatoes

Cucumbers

Grapes

Mushrooms

Chicken Breasts

Blueberries

Strawberries

Ranch packet

Tortilla Wraps

Peaches

Dark Chocolate Chips

Rotini Pasta

Italian Dressing

Bananas

Apples

Baking Potato

Sour Cream

I will try to take pictures of these so I can post them on instagram! 

I hope some of you will try this with me. When I start my workout plan I will add that in as well! 

44 days and counting

I am currently on day 44 of my cycle. Yes, you read that right, day 44. I took my 10 days of provera and got nothing. My OBGYN says that she thinks that we tried to control it too much and to give it two weeks, that was a week and a half ago. If I don't have it by Thursday then I am to call her and I have no idea what she will say. 

I think things would have gone a little more smoothly for us had it not been for the military. The reason I couldn't just take our second round of clomid after AF last time was because my husband was leaving for 2 weeks and he would be gone days 10-20 of my cycle, obviously missing ovulation time. My OBGYN tried to use the provera to time AF for when he would be home but, that has obviously been a total fail. He is gone again right not but will be home again next week and will stay until June so, hopefully we can have a try at a second clomid round. 

Although it feels like forever, I have to keep reminding myself that we have really only had one shot at it although we have been trying to conceive for 9 months now. Due to the PCOS I think that our only real chance is the months that I take the clomid. After I realized how late I was in my cycle I have been taking tests every few days just to make sure that we haven't conceived naturally (ha!). That has obviously led to several BFN and more heartbreak, although I knew that they wouldn't be positive I think somewhere deep down inside I hoped that they would be. 

I have to say that this journey has been eye opening. I know that to truly understand this journey, you have to be going through it. There is no hope for anyone else to understand. It has put a wall between me and one of my best friends. She got pregnant on the first try when they weren't even really sure about trying. I started avoiding her, I blocked her from my newsfeed on facebook, and just tried not to say anything because anytime she spoke to me, it would be about SOMETHING baby or related to kids. I thought the best thing would be to avoid her. She finally asked if I was mad at her and I explained to her that I don't mind talking to her and I understand that babies are going to come up but, we have to talk about something else. So then she told me I should be happier, that I should just be patient our time will come, and then proceeded to ask me about my husbands children from a previous relationship. I couldn't even answer her. It is obvious the understanding isn't there and that I should just avoid that at all costs in order to save myself emotions. People can not understand how heartbreaking this journey is. I think what makes it the most heartbreaking is that you simply can not control it. It is a journey that for the most part is out of your hands making it very frustrating. 

I hope that a light starts shining for us soon. My emotions are quite exhausted! 

The Book Thief: A Review

"I Have Hated Words and I Have Loved Them and I Hope I Have Made Them Right"

- The Book Thief

First of all, what a stunning and beautifully written novel. It was written a little differently than what I am used to but, it fit the story so well. What a heartfelt and beautiful story to be told. 

When I first heard of The Book Thief and that it took place in Germany during WW2 I knew I had to bump it up on my "To Read" list. I have always been interested in such a sad time in our world's history. I enjoyed Elie Weisel's "Night" and I have read Anne Frank's "Diary of a Young Girl" at least 3 times. I have also seen "Schindler's List" a few times, although long and sad. I think what gets me the most is that, in a sense of time, it is recent history. There are still people living who remember it quite vividly, including my 90 year old Grandfather. 

The book is narrated by Death. Morbid right? Not at all. It makes death seem more peaceful and not alone. I loved that it was narrated by "someone", for lack of a better word, who had the outside set of eyes, who seemed to love this tale just as much as the reader would. I also loved how they told you what was going to happen in the book but then, at the end, it is not what you expected and all the pieces fit together. 

Liesel Meminger is an extraordinary character. She is full of love, hate, confusion, innocence, and memories. She cherishes all of it. She knows the world that she lives in is not a fair one but, that speaking out about it would deem dire consequences for her and her family. I think her innocence saves her on more than one occasion. 

Her friendship with Rudy is one that everyone can relate to. They play nice, they play mean, they get into mischief and they do what they need to do to survive this war torn world that they live in. It made me think of how simple childhood is while at the same time, all the challenges that youth face since they don't always understand why things are the way that they are, especially in war torn Germany. 

Then there is the character of Max, I felt like he really showed what it was like to be Jewish in Germany during World War 2. The secrets, the hiding, the hatred, and the longing for things to be better. I think I liked Leisel's character the best when she was in the company of Max. Her innocence truly shone while in his presence but, he ignited the spark in her that would never be put out. 

The story itself was reminiscent of other WW2 stories that I previously mentioned. You can feel the fear of the world during that time and the sadness that encompassed the people of Europe as war raged on in their backyards. The sacrifices they made and the way they survived. I always feel like the stories are heroic even though they are of ordinary people since it took heroism to survive war torn Europe if you were not a prominent member of the Nazi party.  

I do not wish to share much more with you because I think this is a book that has to be read and appreciated. I think it is a novel that will become a classic and hopefully be read for years and years to come. 

Cleaning OUT!

So as I was browsing through Facebook I saw a link someone had posted to another blog which had a post entitle 40 Bags in 40 Days 2014 Challenge and had a picture of a trash bag. Naturally, as a clutterbug married to a hoarder, this intrigued me. So, I clicked on it to find a wondrous blog about cleaning out over a period of 40 days, kind of like Lent!  

To give a brief overview, you fill a bag a day, no matter the size, with clutter from certain places in your house. You can also choose to donate, sell, etc things that you do not want/need. You can make a list of the places you want to tackle and then take the 40 days to tackle them. I would suggest clicking on the link where she has created printables for you to use and goes into further detail if you are completely interested. 

So, since my husband is gone most of the time because the Navy likes to steal him away from me, I thought this would be a great challenge to spring clean our house. Especially since not only am I not Catholic but, I also do not enjoy giving up chocolate or cookies for Lent. 

So my first project... our "catch all" table, otherwise known as the dining room table (that we obviously never use). It looked like this...

It's okay, I am appalled as well. It's almost embarrassing to put this out there but, such is the challenge. I knew it wouldn't take long for me to get through it, I just had to tackle it. 

20 minutes later it looked like this...

Amazing, there is a table top there! I had to put the box under the table since I had already wheeled the trash can to the end of the driveway. I plan to get a mail holder to hang on the wall this weekend so I can remove the mail from the table. I am also going to mail those books off to my step-children and throw the dogs soccer ball outside when it isn't raining. So, a work in progress obviously but, still looks much better! 

My husband is gone until mid-March and then leaves again at the beginning of April so, I will have plenty of time to de-clutter the house! 

Here are some of my other projects...

Alas, my poor bookshelf. More books than space and in need of organization. This isn't half my books, the others take up a shelf in the extra bedroom plus a few boxes in the closet. No, they will not be going anywhere, just getting organized!

This is the spare room and where my step-children's toys are kept. Since they live far away and we only see them every two months or so, this really needs to be organized. I have a treadmill in that room that I use and several shelves that need organizing as well!

This hateful hall closet. You might think, "This looks great!". Don't be fooled my friends. We never use this closet because those coats are stuffed so tightly that we can't get one out without knocking three more down. Also, the things on those shelves, haven't been touched since we moved in here two years ago, I think I can clear some of that out! 

I hope you will join in on the challenge. I think it's great! Click on the link above for all the juicy details! 

Allegiant Book 3 of the Divergent series- Book Review- SPOILERS!!!!!!!

I found this on Pinterest.... this is how I feel about the book summed up...

It has taken me two weeks to sit down and write this review. I was honestly so mad about it that it took some reflecting to appreciate the book since the series was so good. I think it's because it waited until about chapter 50 of the third book to shatter my hopes and dreams of the story. 

I thought we were on the right track. They got out! (yay!) Then they find out what's going on. (yay?) and then tons of people die. (wait....what?) Yes, exactly. 

I was surprised to find out that their town was an experiment. I was not surprised about the genetic testing since that was an ongoing theme throughout the book. I also liked that they fixed things towards the VERY end, like the epilogue. 

I loved how they explored Tris's mother's past and her role in the story. I think I loved it so much because it really showed the dynamics that the factions had even though they were supposed to be so separate. I also loved how, towards the end, Tobias was able to make good choices. He helped where he was supposed to help and seemed to be doing well at the end. I liked those parts. 

I absolutely hated Tris in this book. I was super sad that she ended at a point when I didn't like her decisions. Not that I agreed with her decisions throughout the series and not that I always liked her but, I hated that she didn't meet her end when I liked what she was doing. I think I keep hoping that if I go back and re-read it she will send her stupid brother in, but no, she became the stupid one. The only time I actually liked Tris in this one was when I was seeing her through Tobias's eyes. I could see why he loved her which sometimes was hard for me to see when the story was being narrated by her. 

In all, I loved the series and I have recommended it to many people. In comparison to The Hunger Games, (like in my post about Divergent found here) I think I liked The Hunger Games series better. Maybe because it didn't require me to throw things and cuss at my husband towards the end of it. 

My next read, which I have already started, is "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. So far I am enjoying it, review to come when I finish!

Have a little hope

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Things don't always work in your favor because bigger, better, or even just other things are meant to happen. I am also a big believer in the fact that those we have loved dearly look over us constantly. 

On Friday when I took my test and got a BFN I was very upset. I went to the back door and looked outside and saw 4 cardinals in my backyard. While this may seem like nothing but nature's beauty to you, it was a big deal to me. My grandmother passed away a year and a half ago and I was very close to her. She absolutely loved cardinals and everytime I see one I think about her and I feel like she is with me somehow. When I saw those four birds that morning, I knew she was there looking out for me and I knew that she was telling me that it was okay and that she was looking out for me. 

I have learned to see my negative test as a blessing in disguise. I have had a horrible flu this past week and if I had been pregnant I would have been so limited on what I would have been able to take. I probably would have been even more miserable than what I have been despite the good news a positive test would have brought. So, this time didn't work, it wasn't meant to and I am being looked out for. 

A visit to my OB also gave me some hope this morning. My husband is currently out to sea for about three weeks and since he will be gone until about CD18 I thought all hope was lost for this month. My OB put me on an extended dose of provera to stop the period I have now as well as let my body prepare for the next one, which should start around March 18. I will then take my clomid on days 5-9 and have an ultrasound in order to monitor my follicles and then time my HCG trigger shot at ovulation, when he will be home. 

I hope March is our month. It is the month of my grandmother's birthday as well as my grandparents anniversary (would have been 72 years this year). I hope her cardinals were telling me that March would be our month. 

Moving on- Picking Yourself Up After a Negative Test

You wait so long for the result. First the 2 weeks of agonizing over googled symptoms. Writing down everything that you have possibly felt that day in order to compare it to other people who ended up being pregnant. You took nap this afternoon, is that fatigue? The cat jumped on your boob and it hurt, oh! is that sore boobs?! Better write that down. A day or so before you make sure you are ready, you go to the drug store and spend the money on the GOOD home pregnancy test (hpt) because you don't want to miss anything. 

Then, the day comes. You have it ready the night before so as you stumble to the bathroom in the morning you remember your mission....to pee on the stick. (Like you could forget) Then you wait. 

Oh look! One line! Come on second line... COME ON! 

Then.... it never comes. You hold it up to the light thinking maybe it's light. You look at it from every angle. You wait way past the 3 minute mark and look at it again. No. Line. 

All the waiting, the wishing, the googling... it's all over. Another failed cycle. Another disappointment. Another one liner. 

So, how do you move on from that? At this point it's almost easy to think that you want to give up. You are so tired of it all. The constant disappointment. The waiting. The continuous joy of pregnant people that aren't you. The waiting. The pills and shots. The waiting. When is it going to be my turn? 

I have had my share of negative tests. This morning's test was, I think, the most disappointing. It was our first round with the clomid and hcg trigger shot after trying on our own for 7 months. I just knew this was going to be it. It was not. 

How do you turn yourself around from this moment? How do you pick yourself up from yet another negative test. 

My first suggestion is to cry. That's right, I said it, cry. You know you want to, just go ahead and do it. Let the disappointment surround you and cry it out. It may be a small cry or big, sopping cry but, either way, let it out. 

Next, throw the test away. Get the anger out. Slam it in the trash can if you have to. Don't leave it sitting on the counter hoping it will change. Don't keep going back to it. It's negative, it's the past, throw it away! 

Then, I say do something simple that makes you happy. This morning, I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee and finally took some GOOD cold medicine to kick this illness I have. I had avoided both in hopes of pregnancy but, that was out the window so, coffee and cold medicine it was. Anything simple that makes you happy. 

After your simple happiness, go about your day. Go to work. Go to Target. Crochet an afghan. Whatever you were going to do that day, do it, and do it with a SMILE! No one wants to be around negative nancy and you have already cried it out so, go be happy. 

Sometime during your day, when you are ready, call your doctor. You are going to have to say the words out loud, "My test was negative" and that might be hard but, you can do it. Formulate your next plan of action because, you are not going to give up. My plan may include another round of provera since I have yet to get good ol' Aunt Flow (AF). We will also time the clomid right again since the Navy is stealing my husband for two weeks. 

Before you go to bed, do something pregnant people can't do. Have a glass of wine or a beer or something with some caffeine in it. Just to say, "HA! I can do something you can't do!" Silently, to yourself. Or put it on your facebook status if you want, especially since the pregnant people share all the things they can't do on theirs. 

Most importantly, don't give up hope. No, this is not your time. You can and you will do this. It may take months, it may take years but, YOU CAN do this. Show your body who is boss and with a little medical help make it happen. 

For me, I'm going to see if AF shows up on it's own. If it doesn't by Tuesday, I will take provera to start it. I also have to go in to the doctor next week to discuss my next clomid round. March is the month of my late grandmother's birthday. After my negative test this morning I went to let the dog out and saw four cardinals in my yard, a bird she loved very dearly. I know she was letting me know that it would be okay and that she was looking out for me. 

My time will come, your time will come, and I pray that one day there will be cures for woman who must endure infertility. 

Here goes nothing....

Tomorrow I will be 12 dpo. In the morning I'm going to take a test and see what I get. I know it's still a little early but I'm going to keep hoping. I'm so scared of it just being a BFN. No faint line. No maybe. Just negative. 

I haven't "felt" pregnant. I've been tired but, I am usually tired before AF comes. I'm also hungry but, I'm also hungry before AF comes. The only thing different I have felt is sick. My nose is stuffy and my chest hurts and my throat is sore. My muscles have ached as well, also from what I believe is this cold I've acquired. 

I have to keep reminding myself that most people aren't counting these numbers like I am. Most people just "get pregnant" and at this stage in the game they don't even know that their body is creating a life. I know because I've had to track it. I've tracked for 7 months now. I don't even know what a real period feels like anymore because of the PCOS. This is the first month we have done any fertility drugs. 

I'm going to test in the morning and while I want to just prepare myself for the negative, I am SO hoping for the positive. I'm ready to get on with this journey and be happy. Not have thoughts of trying to conceive on my mind constantly. I know that a negative is completely possible. I also know that 12dpo is still kind of early and I shouldn't be to disappointed with a negative but, I know I will. 

Please let this be our time.