All that fertility jazz

I am on day 3 of the clomid. I can tell you that it makes me a little dizzy and that it makes my eyesight a little blurry (or maybe thats because I have been looking at snow all day for 3 days!). 

I think my main concern is that it won't work this time. My husband is in the Navy and is gone a lot. We are timing this one for the day he returns but, in two weeks he leaves again and I am scared that we will miss our 2nd chance and have to wait longer. It is very frustrating knowing that I should have gone to the doctor sooner but, I didn't know that I needed to go. I have to keep telling myself that what is meant to be will be and I can't change it. 

I have my ultrasound scheduled for February 5. They will see if I ovulated and if I did not then they will give me a shot and make me ovulate, or so my paper that they gave me says. I am nervous that none of it will work. Maybe I am more infertile than what I think I am. 

Social media has shown me it's ugly side on this matter and it didn't even mean to. I think I know 110 recently impregnated couples and my newsfeed is flooded with how the baby moved, ultrasound pictures, symptoms of pregnancy, how to name the baby...blah, blah, blah. I will not be that person if I am ever able to get pregnant. I have learned my lesson on spreading the love when not everyone might not have that love to spread. I know that they do not mean to hurt me and that they are excited but I wonder, how many people are seeing those posts and while they are happy for them, die just a little inside everytime they read it. I have even hidden two people from my newsfeed, I just couldn't take them anymore. I know, I'm being bitter, I don't want to be bitter, it's just hard. 

Here's to hoping that it takes this time. Hoping. 

Navy Wife, Navy Life

Well, once again I am alone on a Friday night. Not because I am single but, because I am a Navy wife. I had almost forgotten what lonely nights felt like. After my husband's deployment, he has been home for almost the last year. Now, the underways have started again so, here I am, with the dog, on the couch, alone. 

I don't mind it so much. Before I met my husband I lived alone for 4 years. I am also an only child so, "by myself" is what I do. I guess you could say that my personality and upbringing has prepared me for the military life. I like having the bed to myself (myself meaning me, the dog, and both cats), I enjoy watching what I want on tv, I like no one looking at me funny if I leave my dish on the table after I finish eating, and I like having the thermostat set on 68, not 70. 

Then, as I sit in my happy bubble, I turn to tell him about a story I read on the internet or ask about a recipe that I found on pinterest and he isn't there. I put my shoes on to take the dog out into the cold and realize that he always does it so I don't have to go outside at night (I hate it!). The dishes also start to pile up because he isn't giving me the "look" and I don't have anyone to complain to about whatever I need to complain about. 

I miss him terribly but, I know that it is his job and I know that I am perfectly capable of being the strong one while he is gone. I have to relish in the things that make me happy in order to avoid the things that make me sad. 

This week NC has seen A TON of snow. (A TON= 4 inches) and we are just not used to that. I didn't get to work (I'm a teacher) and so all I had to do with my time is be in the house and wish he was here because I know that he would have made me leave, even if it was to go to the store. I refuse to drive on any ice so, therefore, I was homebound. Next week, it is supposed to snow again and of course he will still be gone. It is the lifestyle that you learn to have a love/hate relationship. I love to sleep in my bed with all my space but I hate that he isn't here to play in the snow or eat my pineapple crock pot chicken. 

I will share some more while he is gone, including hoping to take my Clomid on the right days so we are ready to go the day that he gets back! 

Here are some pretty snow pictures :)