Insert straight face smiley here

Today was my school's Christmas luncheon. We get volunteers to watch our classes and we all go into the library to eat a potluck meal. It is generally a jolly time and a nice way to talk without the kids being there. 

Well, today just sucked. Remember that previous post about the teacher across the hall from me being pregnant? Well, that is apparently a hot topic to talk about. 

First off, we were getting ready to eat and her assistant goes "Let's let the pregnant lady go first!!!" Um, sure. Then the lady beside me goes "I hope I'm not pregnant. I never want to do that again" Then looks at me and says "If I am, you can just adopt our baby and it can be yours". How nice of you. My only saving grace in that moment was when the 5th grade teacher said "I wish I could have been first in line the 4 years I tried to get pregnant and the 5 years it took us to adopt" AMEN SISTA!!! 

Next I go to find my cup that I had sat down and guess who is sitting beside me, pregnant girl from across the hall. Fan-friggin-tastic. 

Everyone then decides to tell the tales of their pregnancies. One by one I heard of all the things that happen while pregnant and then how absolutely joyful children are despite all of that. 

By this time I just wanted my day to be over and get home. I still had an hour left of the party AND an hour left in my classroom. 

Somehow I made it through. I cried on the way home and hugged each of my students a little tighter at the end of the day because, they do help sometimes. 

Hopefully next Christmas will be much better!! Maybe I can be at the front of the line! 

When Pregnancy Stares you in the Face

The teacher across the hall from me is pregnant. She just got married in May. 

I am just going to let that sink in for all my fellow infertility warriors.

I want to be happy for her. Let me take that back, I AM happy for her. I am happy that she didn't have to take hormone medication. I am happy she didn't have to grieve month after month. I am happy that she didn't have to have tons of ultrasounds and doctors appointments and spend her life's savings in order to conceive that child. 

I am sad for myself. I am sad that she is due at the same time I would have been if my first IUI worked. I am sad that I found out she was pregnant when my 2nd IUI didn't work. I'm sad that I have a headache from the femara that I am taking yet in again in hopes that I can finally conceive. 

A constant reminder of what I want is not what I needed. Yesterday someone was bringing her baby stuff down the hall. Today, I had to keep it together in front of the kids when two teachers were rubbing her belly and discussing newborns. I am going to need to figure out what I can do to get myself through her pregnancy if I continue to struggle. 

Christmas is such a hard time for infertility and this really digs the knife in. 

Let's just hope I can avoid sitting with her at the staff Christmas party. 

The MIA blogger

Sooooo..... I haven't been blogging.

My bad.

I have been lazy have just been posting all my mess on Instagram.

I never really get out everything I need to say on Instagram so, here I am again. I promise to be better about writing!

Well, here we are in our 3rd Christmas as a married couple with no baby. I counted 12 femara cycles with trigger the other day. We have also had 3 clomid cycles and 2 IUIs with Femara and Follistim. Countless heart aches and broken dreams along the way. I am almost to the point where I am accepting that this might not happen for us. We might be the couple who is childless. That is a hard pill to swallow so, I'm going to allow myself some time to swallow it and not give up hope just yet.

January will be our final insurance covered IUI. If that one is a bust, we will be faced with the decision of either paying for more IUIs out of pocket or moving towards IVF. My RE's office has already given me info on IVF in order for us to mentally prepare a little bit for the cost.

December is kind of a "month off." I am taking my 5 days of femara and then monitoring for ovulation using Clearblue digital ovulation tests. It is nice not having to take off work twice a week for monitoring appointments.

That is my update! I promise to be better about posting!!