Allegiant Book 3 of the Divergent series- Book Review- SPOILERS!!!!!!!

I found this on Pinterest.... this is how I feel about the book summed up...

It has taken me two weeks to sit down and write this review. I was honestly so mad about it that it took some reflecting to appreciate the book since the series was so good. I think it's because it waited until about chapter 50 of the third book to shatter my hopes and dreams of the story. 

I thought we were on the right track. They got out! (yay!) Then they find out what's going on. (yay?) and then tons of people die. (wait....what?) Yes, exactly. 

I was surprised to find out that their town was an experiment. I was not surprised about the genetic testing since that was an ongoing theme throughout the book. I also liked that they fixed things towards the VERY end, like the epilogue. 

I loved how they explored Tris's mother's past and her role in the story. I think I loved it so much because it really showed the dynamics that the factions had even though they were supposed to be so separate. I also loved how, towards the end, Tobias was able to make good choices. He helped where he was supposed to help and seemed to be doing well at the end. I liked those parts. 

I absolutely hated Tris in this book. I was super sad that she ended at a point when I didn't like her decisions. Not that I agreed with her decisions throughout the series and not that I always liked her but, I hated that she didn't meet her end when I liked what she was doing. I think I keep hoping that if I go back and re-read it she will send her stupid brother in, but no, she became the stupid one. The only time I actually liked Tris in this one was when I was seeing her through Tobias's eyes. I could see why he loved her which sometimes was hard for me to see when the story was being narrated by her. 

In all, I loved the series and I have recommended it to many people. In comparison to The Hunger Games, (like in my post about Divergent found here) I think I liked The Hunger Games series better. Maybe because it didn't require me to throw things and cuss at my husband towards the end of it. 

My next read, which I have already started, is "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. So far I am enjoying it, review to come when I finish!

Have a little hope

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Things don't always work in your favor because bigger, better, or even just other things are meant to happen. I am also a big believer in the fact that those we have loved dearly look over us constantly. 

On Friday when I took my test and got a BFN I was very upset. I went to the back door and looked outside and saw 4 cardinals in my backyard. While this may seem like nothing but nature's beauty to you, it was a big deal to me. My grandmother passed away a year and a half ago and I was very close to her. She absolutely loved cardinals and everytime I see one I think about her and I feel like she is with me somehow. When I saw those four birds that morning, I knew she was there looking out for me and I knew that she was telling me that it was okay and that she was looking out for me. 

I have learned to see my negative test as a blessing in disguise. I have had a horrible flu this past week and if I had been pregnant I would have been so limited on what I would have been able to take. I probably would have been even more miserable than what I have been despite the good news a positive test would have brought. So, this time didn't work, it wasn't meant to and I am being looked out for. 

A visit to my OB also gave me some hope this morning. My husband is currently out to sea for about three weeks and since he will be gone until about CD18 I thought all hope was lost for this month. My OB put me on an extended dose of provera to stop the period I have now as well as let my body prepare for the next one, which should start around March 18. I will then take my clomid on days 5-9 and have an ultrasound in order to monitor my follicles and then time my HCG trigger shot at ovulation, when he will be home. 

I hope March is our month. It is the month of my grandmother's birthday as well as my grandparents anniversary (would have been 72 years this year). I hope her cardinals were telling me that March would be our month. 

Moving on- Picking Yourself Up After a Negative Test

You wait so long for the result. First the 2 weeks of agonizing over googled symptoms. Writing down everything that you have possibly felt that day in order to compare it to other people who ended up being pregnant. You took nap this afternoon, is that fatigue? The cat jumped on your boob and it hurt, oh! is that sore boobs?! Better write that down. A day or so before you make sure you are ready, you go to the drug store and spend the money on the GOOD home pregnancy test (hpt) because you don't want to miss anything. 

Then, the day comes. You have it ready the night before so as you stumble to the bathroom in the morning you remember your mission....to pee on the stick. (Like you could forget) Then you wait. 

Oh look! One line! Come on second line... COME ON! 

Then.... it never comes. You hold it up to the light thinking maybe it's light. You look at it from every angle. You wait way past the 3 minute mark and look at it again. No. Line. 

All the waiting, the wishing, the googling... it's all over. Another failed cycle. Another disappointment. Another one liner. 

So, how do you move on from that? At this point it's almost easy to think that you want to give up. You are so tired of it all. The constant disappointment. The waiting. The continuous joy of pregnant people that aren't you. The waiting. The pills and shots. The waiting. When is it going to be my turn? 

I have had my share of negative tests. This morning's test was, I think, the most disappointing. It was our first round with the clomid and hcg trigger shot after trying on our own for 7 months. I just knew this was going to be it. It was not. 

How do you turn yourself around from this moment? How do you pick yourself up from yet another negative test. 

My first suggestion is to cry. That's right, I said it, cry. You know you want to, just go ahead and do it. Let the disappointment surround you and cry it out. It may be a small cry or big, sopping cry but, either way, let it out. 

Next, throw the test away. Get the anger out. Slam it in the trash can if you have to. Don't leave it sitting on the counter hoping it will change. Don't keep going back to it. It's negative, it's the past, throw it away! 

Then, I say do something simple that makes you happy. This morning, I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee and finally took some GOOD cold medicine to kick this illness I have. I had avoided both in hopes of pregnancy but, that was out the window so, coffee and cold medicine it was. Anything simple that makes you happy. 

After your simple happiness, go about your day. Go to work. Go to Target. Crochet an afghan. Whatever you were going to do that day, do it, and do it with a SMILE! No one wants to be around negative nancy and you have already cried it out so, go be happy. 

Sometime during your day, when you are ready, call your doctor. You are going to have to say the words out loud, "My test was negative" and that might be hard but, you can do it. Formulate your next plan of action because, you are not going to give up. My plan may include another round of provera since I have yet to get good ol' Aunt Flow (AF). We will also time the clomid right again since the Navy is stealing my husband for two weeks. 

Before you go to bed, do something pregnant people can't do. Have a glass of wine or a beer or something with some caffeine in it. Just to say, "HA! I can do something you can't do!" Silently, to yourself. Or put it on your facebook status if you want, especially since the pregnant people share all the things they can't do on theirs. 

Most importantly, don't give up hope. No, this is not your time. You can and you will do this. It may take months, it may take years but, YOU CAN do this. Show your body who is boss and with a little medical help make it happen. 

For me, I'm going to see if AF shows up on it's own. If it doesn't by Tuesday, I will take provera to start it. I also have to go in to the doctor next week to discuss my next clomid round. March is the month of my late grandmother's birthday. After my negative test this morning I went to let the dog out and saw four cardinals in my yard, a bird she loved very dearly. I know she was letting me know that it would be okay and that she was looking out for me. 

My time will come, your time will come, and I pray that one day there will be cures for woman who must endure infertility. 

Here goes nothing....

Tomorrow I will be 12 dpo. In the morning I'm going to take a test and see what I get. I know it's still a little early but I'm going to keep hoping. I'm so scared of it just being a BFN. No faint line. No maybe. Just negative. 

I haven't "felt" pregnant. I've been tired but, I am usually tired before AF comes. I'm also hungry but, I'm also hungry before AF comes. The only thing different I have felt is sick. My nose is stuffy and my chest hurts and my throat is sore. My muscles have ached as well, also from what I believe is this cold I've acquired. 

I have to keep reminding myself that most people aren't counting these numbers like I am. Most people just "get pregnant" and at this stage in the game they don't even know that their body is creating a life. I know because I've had to track it. I've tracked for 7 months now. I don't even know what a real period feels like anymore because of the PCOS. This is the first month we have done any fertility drugs. 

I'm going to test in the morning and while I want to just prepare myself for the negative, I am SO hoping for the positive. I'm ready to get on with this journey and be happy. Not have thoughts of trying to conceive on my mind constantly. I know that a negative is completely possible. I also know that 12dpo is still kind of early and I shouldn't be to disappointed with a negative but, I know I will. 

Please let this be our time. 

She works hard for the money

As a teacher, I am VERY dedicated to my job. I work late, I bring home work, I spend extra money on my classroom, I attend workshops, and I try to further myself in my career. I love my job. I worked so hard to earn my degree while working two jobs and then to obtain my masters degree while beginning my career. I have always been very career minded. As you can tell, I take so much pride in working. 

Today, I received a nice offer at work. They offered to train me in the reading recovery program. This would allow me to become a reading teacher and get out of the classroom. Same pay but, almost a step up in my eyes. Training would begin next school year and is pretty intense. Then it hit me, what if I'm pregnant? What if I have to deliver in the middle of training? What if my advancement opportunity is missed because I will be out on maternity leave? For someone who only recently realized there was more to life than work, this hits you like a ton of bricks. 

When we first started trying to conceive we were aiming to have a due date during the summer so I wouldn't have to miss that much work. After 7 months and a round of fertility drugs, that has flown out the window. I will be happy to get pregnant whenever it happens. But what about my job? This is a point in my life where I have to teach myself that the job will always be there, opportunities will always arrive, but children are something that I can not put off because of my health and being a military spouse. 

Between hypothyroidism, PCOS, and my husband being gone all the time with the Navy a child will be a miracle. 

I will still accept the training, by the time it starts, I could still be trying to conceive. (I hope not!) This situation just made me realize how much a baby will change my life. It won't be about work anymore, it will be about family. It won't be about the dog and both cats anymore, it will be about my child. A balancing act that I will have to learn, especially as a person who has always been career and education focused. 

Google crazy

The Internet can be such a good thing... Or a bad thing... Or a crazy thing. For me, it seems to be all three. Not only have I obsessively been checking the weather for the snow updates here in North Carolina, I'm pretty sure I have googled "4dpo" about 3 times today and its only 4:30pm. 

I know the chances of getting pregnant on Clomid are low (thanks Google) but, I keep hoping. I also know every early symptom possible including the fact that someone had a runny nose and someone else had bleeding gums and both turned out pregnant. In good news, I'm not the only one out there tracking all these crazy symptoms. There are tons of boards and websites dedicated to those of us who was to know from the moment we ovulate if it was successful or not (wouldn't that be fantastic?!) 

Here are some of my favorites that I have trolled through the past few days: 

The Two Week Wait- this website lets users list symptoms they had if they had a positive pregnancy test. They are known as "success" stories and I like that I can compare what I have to what they had. 

Countdown to Pregnancy- this website allows users to select what dpo they are and see common symptoms for that day. They also show uploaded pregnancy test pictures. I also like the articles on things such as implantation bleeding. 

I also read most of the message boards that pop up in my searches and see what people have to say. 

I love that while we have only told about 3 people about our infertility journey, I have so much support from people on the Internet. I genuinely hope they get their wish and I wait to see their pictures and symptoms everyday. I know how they feel waiting and I do not wish the disappointment of yet another BFN on anyone who has faced that struggle. 

Today I am about 4dpo ovulation. I am fairly certain that I ovulated Friday night/early Saturday morning. The pain from my left ovary woke me up and the next day I didn't feel it at all. Friday around 11am I had my hcg trigger shot after my first round of Clomid. My follicle on the left side measured at 18.5. The entire weekend I had a headache and felt kind of nauseous but I'm fairly certain that was from the trigger shot. 

Yesterday I felt twinges in my left ovary again. (This would be around 3dpo). I was also pretty hungry and majorly gassy and bloated. Today is the same (4dpo) with hunger and gassy and bloating. Same twinges with my left ovary, which is the one that I assumed ovulated. I also haven't felt very good today and had some trouble eating lunch. 

I posted this picture to my Instagram in hopes that what I felt was my fertilized egg traveling its journey through the tube! 

While I hope I am pregnant, I am also hoping that keeping up with this journey might help someone else. If I'm not I will have the symptoms documented and if I am, then others might know what to look for. 10 more days and we will know! If this cycle doesn't work then we will have to skip one because my husband will be out on the ship for 3 weeks. 

I am open for any other "crazy infertility websites" if you want to share one! 

Fingers crossed! 

But everyone else is doing it...

23. That's the number of people I interact with on a daily basis either through social media or from day to day interactions that are currently pregnant. Since we have been trying to concieve for 6 months, that's a lot of announcements of babies that I so wanted to be my announcement but, every month just left me with false hopes and disappointments. 

Am I happy for these people? Sure, I'm thrilled for them. They are getting that joy of pregnancy and being a mom that I have yet to experience and I am hoping to have. But seriously, does EVERY post you have or everything you do or say have to involve your pregnancy somehow? Sure, it consumes your life, you are carrying a child, I got that. Sure, you are happy because getting pregnant was apparently so easy and carefree for you. For me, everytime I read it, it's a reminder that I'm not and not sure when or even if I ever will be. It's a slap into reality that I'm taking pills and getting shots for something that should be natural for me. Everything was done right. I went to college, had my fun, got a good job, settled down, got married and then comes the baby, right? Apparently not. 

I will never say anything to them. I will never dash their excititment and gazillion posts about how hungry they are or the movements they felt. The names. The questions. The registries. The showers. I will never take that joy from them but, do I wish they could see the other side? Yes. The millions of silent women just waiting and injecting and visiting doctors, the ones who are counting down, getting disappointed, and then counting again. 

I am waiting my two weeks patiently. I am analyzing everything my body does like it's going to do me any good. I am also secretly setting myself up for disappointment. I know it might not work this time and instead of giving myself false hopes, I would rather give myself reality and let excitement come naturally, if it does. When/if the time comes, I will never be the person to flaunt it. I will announce it, sure, it's exciting, but will I discuss it constantly, no I will not. I will not be the daily heartbreak for someone else. No one knows we are trying except a select few, a few of which are guilty of the incessant posts. I didn't want a billion questions so I have kept it to myself with the exception if the few and this blog. 

Today I'm going to focus not on the growing number of pregnancies around me but, my own struggle and the struggles of others. I will love on my animals since they are currently my babies. I will get ready for work tomorrow and put on my smile and show the world that they can't bring me down. 

The Two Week Wait

Today, February 7, 2014, was my first hcg shot. My follicle measured 18.5 today as compared to 14.7 on Wednesday so, she said to give it 24 to 48 hours. Hopefully, this is will be the time that the egg is released and fertilized. If not, we have to miss a cycle since my husband will be out to sea for two and a half weeks. 

I have let it consume my brain today. I feel every twinge in my abdomen and every muscle flinch. Sometimes I feel like I am making it up! This is our first round of Clomid so, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This measuring and timing is all new to me. It's a little scary. What if it doesn't work, what if it never works? What if my body is just not meant to have babies? I wouldn't be devestated but, it would take some time to digest that information and bring myself to the reality that I will never have that. 

In two weeks I will know. In two weeks I will either be peeing on a stick or buying a box of tampons. It will be hard to concentrate. How do you go through the day wondering if cells are multiplying to form a new life right inside your body and concentrate? I will be looking for every single sign that people usually don't even notice. I will be noticing every ache, pain, or feeling my body has for two weeks. Of course, I have been doing that for months not knowing that my body was just pretending to be fertile while not actually doing anything. I just hope that I don't end this two weeks with another disappointment. A single line on a stick. A visit from "aunt flo" that tells you "Nope! Not this time". Having to look at all these fertile people with babies and know its not going to be me. 


The wait begins, I just hope the end result is positive. 

Let It Be

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for ovulation. I have taken my Clomid and tomorrow I go in to see what it's all about. I think my biggest fears are that it won't work or that my body already ovulated and my husband wasn't home yet. He gets home tomorrow and I tried to time everything perfectly. 

This is only my first round of the Clomid. The trouble with it not working is that in two weeks my husband leaves again for two weeks and I'm not sure when we would get to have another cycle. 

What I need to do is just let it be... Like the Beatles say. Relax and let things happen on their own time and not be impatient. Not let the happiness of others get me down, and not let thoughts of my own bodies failures get in my way. 

I have never been the girl that's dreams of a family or can't wait to be a mom. I work with kids everyday and I know what a joy they are but the thought of parenthood absolutely terrifies me. I'm also afraid that if I don't do it now then I never will and I will regret it. I only want one. One little munchkin that I can teach how to bake and read beautiful books to at night. One little piece of me and my husband to carry on values and teachings and family stories. If it doesn't happen then I won't have shattered dreams but, just more wonderings and questions of what could have been. 

It makes me feel better to see others with these struggles. I am so scared and I think it's even more scary that I don't know what to expect. I don't know how fertility treatments work. All my friends have been blessed to be el naturals. My best friend got pregnant the first time she tried and sent me the ultrasound picture the day I was prescribed my Clomid. It was almost like a punch in the stomach. I just want to be the one guessing boy or girl, shopping etsy for cute baby things instead of dog collars, and feeling flutters in my belly.

I hope that things work in our favor tomorrow. For now, I will drink some tea, read my book, relax, and.... Let it be. 

Sunday Ramblings

My weekend has been anything but exciting, this Navy wife is ready for her husband to be HOME! 

Lets start with Saturday. I attempted to go to our local Wal-Mart (only because its 45 min to the closest Target) which was a total hot mess. Let me remind myself never to make that adventure after a huge snow on the first of the month again. 

In good news when I got home my new neck pillow was waiting for me! It is Luna from Sailor Moon and I can not be more excited about that! 

It has worked wonders on my neck while I read and I am so excited about it I could burst! Where do you get one of these delightful neck pillows? I got it off Etsy at a place called Comfort By Felicia Rose. She has all sorts of neck pillows that she hand makes. I have to say the quality is fantastic. She also has a Facebook page which you can find here. 

Saturday night I enjoyed my neck pillow as I read some more in my book Allegiant which is the 3rd book in the Divergent series. I have to say, I already like it much better than the second but not as good as the first. I can't wait to write a review on that one! I also watched Gone With The Wind since it was on TV. One of my absolute favorite movies! I always wonder what it would be like to live in those big beautiful houses and wear those huge dresses. Things seemed so simple then although I'm sure they didn't think things were simple just like we don't always think things are simple. 

Today I am watching a The Walking Dead marathon on AMC. It is one of my favorite shows and even though I have watched every episode I watch it again. I can wait for it to return on February 9!  I think I have a thing for stories that involve an alternate world in which we live. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading so much. I intend to read The Walking Dead comics after the show runs its course. Reading them beforehand might spoil what's going to happen. 

Today is also the last day of my Clomid. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure the baby making process is on course. Lets hope it is and that I'm not setting myself up for heartbreak. 

Despite missing my husband so much when he is gone, I never let it get me down. I wish he was here to make fun of me for watching gone with the wind and using a neck pillow but, I make the best of it while he is gone. Luckily, this is just an underway and he will be home soon! (Only to leave again in a few weeks)

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