Negative

That's how I felt after my last pregnancy test... Negative. I knew in my heart that it had not worked but, there is always that little piece of hope you hold on to.

I talked to my OBGYN today and we are going to try a 3rd Clomid cycle right away. I will take the pills on days  3-7 with an ultrasound on CD11. She wants my body to ovulate sooner in my cycle than day 15-17. This 3rd time will be tricky as my husband goes out to sea on CD14 but she says we can get things done before he leaves. I hope we do not waste this cycle! I really wanted to get two cycles back to back though because we have yet to be able to do that due to his schedule.

I have started my healthy eating... Again. This afternoon the dog and I took a walk. If we do not concieve this cycle I am going to take the summer off and focus on getting my health better. My husband goes on shore duty in August and will be home more often so maybe that will also help!

All will work out. I know it will!

Why don't want my TWW to be over

Tomorrow is the day, the day the dreaded two week wait is finally over. But why would I not want it to be over? I should be thrilled to finally find out if Clomid cycle number 2 worked but, I'm not. 

During the two week wait, you unintentionally build yourself up. You think about names and think about events that might come up if you're pregnant, you think about announcing it and maybe even nursery colors. All these build in your head. Then, you take that test and see it... BFN.  All those dreams come crashing down and the sadness takes over. I'm scared that's going to happen to me... Again. 

I'm tired of that being me. I'm tired of the one line pregnancy tests and the "not pregnant" digital tests. I have taken so many of those tests over the past year. The worst ones, I will admit, were when I was unaware of the PCOS and I was having 50 day cycles and testing every other day. 

I have tried to remain positive during this two week wait. I've not over analyzed any symptoms and I've tried to post a positive quote every day. I've been trying not to get my hopes up for tomorrow and be ready for the one line, the one pink line I have seen so many times before. With all of that, there is still this little piece of me that's says "this is the cycle! This is it!" 

Fingers crossed for the morning! I hope my grandmother is watching over me and telling me that this is the time. 

Step Away From the Google

Google. 

Every woman who is trying to concieve's dream. Right? 

You can Google how you are supposed to feel 2DPO. Maybe the fact that I craved bananas yesterday was a sign? How early can this pregnancy test be positive? What is the success rate for the 3rd round of Clomid? 

I am guilty of this as well but ladies, we must stop this madness! The fact here is that we are all different and what will work or be signs for one will not work or be signs for another. In reality, most people who are pregnant do not even know they are pregnant that early. 

Yesterday I received my HCG trigger shot after my second round of Clomid and I have sworn off the Google. I will not Google all of my symptoms. I have not even bought pregnancy tests yet. I'm just going to let it be and do what I am supposed to and live my life for the next two weeks. 

My first round of Clomid I obsessed over those symptoms. I googled everything. I felt tired, I googled. Smells made me sick, I googled. I felt funny, I googled. I wasn't pregnant. Googling only gave my higher hopes and made the let down feel even stronger. In reality, most if it was probably the HCG shot. 

While this round seemed more promising, I am trying not to get my hopes up. That negative test time and time again has worn me down. Living life and going on about my days will hopefully make the two week wait a little less agonizing. Maybe by letting time pass as naturally as possible, the negative I might see at the end of the journey will be a tiny less painful. 

Hopefully I can find a positive quote to sum up my feelings every day instead of google. :)