You wait so long for the result. First the 2 weeks of agonizing over googled symptoms. Writing down everything that you have possibly felt that day in order to compare it to other people who ended up being pregnant. You took nap this afternoon, is that fatigue? The cat jumped on your boob and it hurt, oh! is that sore boobs?! Better write that down. A day or so before you make sure you are ready, you go to the drug store and spend the money on the GOOD home pregnancy test (hpt) because you don't want to miss anything.
Then, the day comes. You have it ready the night before so as you stumble to the bathroom in the morning you remember your mission....to pee on the stick. (Like you could forget) Then you wait.
Oh look! One line! Come on second line... COME ON!
Then.... it never comes. You hold it up to the light thinking maybe it's light. You look at it from every angle. You wait way past the 3 minute mark and look at it again. No. Line.
All the waiting, the wishing, the googling... it's all over. Another failed cycle. Another disappointment. Another one liner.
So, how do you move on from that? At this point it's almost easy to think that you want to give up. You are so tired of it all. The constant disappointment. The waiting. The continuous joy of pregnant people that aren't you. The waiting. The pills and shots. The waiting. When is it going to be my turn?
I have had my share of negative tests. This morning's test was, I think, the most disappointing. It was our first round with the clomid and hcg trigger shot after trying on our own for 7 months. I just knew this was going to be it. It was not.
How do you turn yourself around from this moment? How do you pick yourself up from yet another negative test.
My first suggestion is to cry. That's right, I said it, cry. You know you want to, just go ahead and do it. Let the disappointment surround you and cry it out. It may be a small cry or big, sopping cry but, either way, let it out.
Next, throw the test away. Get the anger out. Slam it in the trash can if you have to. Don't leave it sitting on the counter hoping it will change. Don't keep going back to it. It's negative, it's the past, throw it away!
Then, I say do something simple that makes you happy. This morning, I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee and finally took some GOOD cold medicine to kick this illness I have. I had avoided both in hopes of pregnancy but, that was out the window so, coffee and cold medicine it was. Anything simple that makes you happy.
After your simple happiness, go about your day. Go to work. Go to Target. Crochet an afghan. Whatever you were going to do that day, do it, and do it with a SMILE! No one wants to be around negative nancy and you have already cried it out so, go be happy.
Sometime during your day, when you are ready, call your doctor. You are going to have to say the words out loud, "My test was negative" and that might be hard but, you can do it. Formulate your next plan of action because, you are not going to give up. My plan may include another round of provera since I have yet to get good ol' Aunt Flow (AF). We will also time the clomid right again since the Navy is stealing my husband for two weeks.
Before you go to bed, do something pregnant people can't do. Have a glass of wine or a beer or something with some caffeine in it. Just to say, "HA! I can do something you can't do!" Silently, to yourself. Or put it on your facebook status if you want, especially since the pregnant people share all the things they can't do on theirs.
Most importantly, don't give up hope. No, this is not your time. You can and you will do this. It may take months, it may take years but, YOU CAN do this. Show your body who is boss and with a little medical help make it happen.
For me, I'm going to see if AF shows up on it's own. If it doesn't by Tuesday, I will take provera to start it. I also have to go in to the doctor next week to discuss my next clomid round. March is the month of my late grandmother's birthday. After my negative test this morning I went to let the dog out and saw four cardinals in my yard, a bird she loved very dearly. I know she was letting me know that it would be okay and that she was looking out for me.
My time will come, your time will come, and I pray that one day there will be cures for woman who must endure infertility.
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