Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for ovulation. I have taken my Clomid and tomorrow I go in to see what it's all about. I think my biggest fears are that it won't work or that my body already ovulated and my husband wasn't home yet. He gets home tomorrow and I tried to time everything perfectly.
This is only my first round of the Clomid. The trouble with it not working is that in two weeks my husband leaves again for two weeks and I'm not sure when we would get to have another cycle.
What I need to do is just let it be... Like the Beatles say. Relax and let things happen on their own time and not be impatient. Not let the happiness of others get me down, and not let thoughts of my own bodies failures get in my way.
I have never been the girl that's dreams of a family or can't wait to be a mom. I work with kids everyday and I know what a joy they are but the thought of parenthood absolutely terrifies me. I'm also afraid that if I don't do it now then I never will and I will regret it. I only want one. One little munchkin that I can teach how to bake and read beautiful books to at night. One little piece of me and my husband to carry on values and teachings and family stories. If it doesn't happen then I won't have shattered dreams but, just more wonderings and questions of what could have been.
It makes me feel better to see others with these struggles. I am so scared and I think it's even more scary that I don't know what to expect. I don't know how fertility treatments work. All my friends have been blessed to be el naturals. My best friend got pregnant the first time she tried and sent me the ultrasound picture the day I was prescribed my Clomid. It was almost like a punch in the stomach. I just want to be the one guessing boy or girl, shopping etsy for cute baby things instead of dog collars, and feeling flutters in my belly.
I hope that things work in our favor tomorrow. For now, I will drink some tea, read my book, relax, and.... Let it be.
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